Innocent Until Proven Guilty

Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue so I feel obliged to tell you that The Widow Maker did it`s bloody work again last night. Two young cuesmen challenged and were then promptly dispatched with a brutal, clinical ease and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth from their assembled womenfolk. Yes, I won at snooker again. Is there no stopping me?

Today I have been feeling fed up. Partly its down to the weather, we have been living in a cloud bank for the last two weeks. But part of me, my feminine side perhaps, is tormenting me with the same questions time and time again: "Am I letting my daughter down by going back to work"? and "does my bum look big in this"? I am hardly able to sleep in the afternoons.

These feelings of guilt and shame, of letting the side down, of not holding out for the sake of a brave new world, of frankly being a sell out are oh so hard to deal with. Nick Clegg must be going through something similar.

Sources close to the author say it is a sign of being emotionally literate thanks to my three years as a Dummy. I think it may be dementia. The outward manifestations are worrying,a lack of concentration, short term memory loss and an inability to menstruate all point to the fact that I am not the man I used to be.

Does anyone have any advice?