An Hommage to Fromage

Here is a letter I have sent to all of the contenders for the Labour Party leadership. I know you are all as enthralled as I am about the future direction of the Labour movement.

Dear Labour Party Leadership Candidates
I live on a mountain in the Alps and I am strangely, and vaguely erotically, excited by the current scuffle for the Labour leadership.
I want to share with you a dream I had last night. Well, right after my favourite bit involving Cheryl Cole, a gym slip and warm custard, the spectre of a floating voter appeared and revealed to me the top ten policy commandments. Unfortunately, that is what eating cheesey wotsits after the watershed does to you at my age. So, here are the top ten policy commandments the floating voter said that you should adopt if you want to win instant popularity and become the next Prime Minister.

1. Slap a massive tax the agoraphobic to plug the fiscal deficit. Nothing against them personally, but it would be simple and cheap to collect as you just know they`ll be home, and they are not likely to come out on a protest march. For similar reasons a tax should be considered on the claustrophobic and the clinically obese as. Even if they tried to avoid the tax and do a runner, the latter would never make it past the end of the sofa before collapsing in a puffing, sweaty heap and the former aren`t likely to go underground to avoid the tax. Brilliant!
2. Do not bother with upgrading Trident. Lets face it, nobody is actually going to think that you are a cheapskate in their final, terror filled, pant soilingly awful milliseconds on the planet because you vapourised them with last season`s ICBM. Spend the dosh elsewhere, say on schools, healthcare or ex-pats living in Switzerland.
3. Legalise drugs and set up free dispensing clinics with health checks. It would stop the junkies biffing old ladies for their pensions every Thursday or taking a dump on your new Axminster shag pile after they have stolen your flat screen TV. The drug gangs would simply go off in a sulk, they do that. Most drug dealers are Lib Dems. We could even pay malodourous third world farmers to produce the stuff, thus depriving those foreign johnnies of a major source of terror funding. Is this really such a crazy cheese inspired idea?
4. Let local people vote directly on local issues. I know, I know. You are uneasy about the idea of the great unwashed actually making any decisions, it is a bit scary, and of course those fizzing little balls of hate from the shouty crackers brigade would ooze out from under their Daily Mails, but at least no one could blame the government when it all goes tits up. Maybe, just maybe, it might encourage people to get involved in politics.
5. Make Aston Villa illegal- I hate them and it would really piss off the Prime Minister. Ok, so that was one I made up. Be nice. Mr Cameron had his "hug a hoodie" campaign, why not take it a step further with a "cuddle a currency trader", "blow a banker" or a "tenedrise a traffic warden" campaign?
6. Tax- Come on chaps, tax doesn`t have to be taxing. Bin it and start again. A wealth tax not inheritance tax- excluding ex-pats natch - a national, county and local tax set up bringing flexibility and direct accountability to areas to do as they think best.
7. Decriminalise prostitution. The spectre was quite adamant that we have to accept that, after several thousand years and Ms Harriet Harman, it ain`t going away anytime soon, so why not at least give the gals protection from pugnacious punters and pimps, and allow them to receive health care and help?. Again, what am I thinking, it`s wotsit inspired madness, quite bonkers.
8. Execute all children. Sorry, educate all children. Teaching not targets, local schools for local kids, top terms for top teachers, pride in performance, tough on stuff and any other poor quality semi-alliteration you can come up with. It cannot be beyond the wit of man to sort this all out. They do it in Switzerland.
9. Implement radical environmental policies: I have to admit that I didn`t pay attention to this bit, it`s all dippy hippy speak to me, but I think it went something like: off shore wind and wave farms..blah blah.. Charles and Camilla to be mulched and made into Duchy Originals…blah blah…nuclear power…blah blah… Jeremy Clarkson adapted to run on legume fumes…blah blah, …this royal throne of kings, this sceptred isle, this earth of majesty, this seat of Mars, this other Eden, demi-paradise, this fortress built by Nature for herself against infection and the hand of war, this happy breed of men, this little world, this precious stone set in the silver sea, which serves it in the office of a wall, or as a moat defensive to a house, against the envy of less happier lands,-- this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England. Sorry, that was the cheesey wotsits repeating on me again.
10. I only have a vague recollection of No 10, as I suspect do you as the days and weeks pass by. If you ever want to see the inside of No 10 Downing Street again it`s gonna take balls. (The author would like to point out that this does not constitute an endorsement of any particular candidate, particularly Mr E Balls)

Good luck to all the candidates whoever you are.

Best Regards