Just got back from doing last minute Christmas food shopping as the wife is still suffering from flu. Town was filling up fast with last minute shoppers. The difference between the sexes is all the more apparent on Christmas Eve. The women shoppers were gliding between counters and buying with the practiced assurance of the professional. Do they teach young girls to shop at school or is it genetic?.
The men on the other hand were looking pale, stressed and sweaty as they blindly stumbled around looking for that special something, wishing they had paid a little more attention back in July when She mentioned something that She liked. But what the hell was it?!
Other men, sent out to do the shopping, held lists, chewed pens, scratched heads and phoned home. From the furrowed brows and intense middle distance stares you would have imagined they were trying to solve Fermat`s Last Theorem rather than locate the eggnog and brussels sprouts.
I drove home with that warm glow that only comes from knowing others are suffering. The compound is very quiet at the moment but I did bump into Sunnymountain`s resident homosexuals, Butch and Sundance. They are a delightful elderly couple but are prone to complain a bit. After wishing me and mine a happy Christmas Sundance, he makes Quentin Crisp look butch, launched into a monologue about parking spaces and how all the foreign visitors didn`t know the rules and parked willynilly. This seemd to drag on for ages, it was like the Queen`s Speech. In the end I had to feign an attack of the vapours to get away.
So here I am back in the bosom of the family. It is already 11.30am and the wife hasn`t touched the gin. She must be ill. The daughter is playing with one of the local urchins. She would not normally associate with this child but as most families are away she is having to swim in the shallow end of the play pool.
I suppose it is Christmas and these kids, the ugly, the smelly and the boring, think Christmas has come early when they get a call. Bless them. Sadly, when the holidays are over and the A-list return these poor little creatures will be abandoned like unwanted puppies. I believe it is still legal to dispose of unpopular kids in sacks thrown off a bridge at exactly midnight in certain parts of Switzerland.
On that festive note I shall wish you and yours whatever kind of Christmas you want. I shall be off line under the influence for a few days.
As a worldwide blogger with immense influence, the police have asked me to leave you with one last thought: Eggnog related violence peaks at this time of year. Drink responsibly.
Thursday 24 December 2009
Friday 18 December 2009
Hard Core Prawn Addict
Very cold and wintery here at the moment, but not as bad as the UK where news reports tell me that life as we know it has ceased to exist. Reminds me of a story I was told last year. Zurich was several feet deep in snow and the storyteller had just caught the train into work, on time. A tele-conference was due to take place between offices in Zurich, London and Moscow. Zurich dialled in on time, Moscow, under several metres of snow and -20 temperatures dialled in on time. And London? Well London had experienced 8 inches of snow, key staff had been put up in hotels overnight, all other staff were told to stay home. The London caller just did not stop bitching about how hard it had been to make this call happen. Is it any wonder we lost the Empire. Just wanted to share that with you.
Off for a curry now. Hope it is prawn. I love prawn curries, oh yeh. Have a lovely wintry weekend.
Off for a curry now. Hope it is prawn. I love prawn curries, oh yeh. Have a lovely wintry weekend.
Wednesday 16 December 2009
Strange but Sort of True
All sorts of interesting things have happened to me today. It all started when I found three, yes I said three not the normal two, peanuts in one peanut shell. I know!. Then I saw a cloud that was an exact facsimilie of the British Ilses, just without Stoke on Trent. Amazing!. Then the daughter asked if she should tidy her room totally unprompted. Unheard of!. What is happening, are these portents of doom?. Ah, who knows. (NB: the last one was totally made up, get real)
Anyway, the Street has been very quiet of late. I suspect it is because all the Daughters of the American Revolution and spawn have gone back Stateside to enjoy the "happy holidays". Meanwhile, without an external enemy, the Sunnymountain Street Mother`s Mafia seem to be engaged in some internecine struggle to see who can come up with the best/most yuletide decorations. The houses round here are sagging under the weight of Chritsmas lights, Santas on ladders scaling the walls and for some reason this seasons must have, large straw donkeys. Me neither.
That means gang related violence drops off drastically this time of year and the daughter and I are free to roam at will without fear. However, Eggnog realted violence peaks around now, so it is always worth staying on your toes. We went to look at the Christmas market the other day. It was lovely, but spoiled a little by the immigrant British bankers who hang around at the train station. Talk to them and they will tell you how they have been driven out of the UK by economic persecution and cannot return for fear of the death tax penalty. I do feel a little sorry for them huddled around their warmth giving bonuses behind the station, begging passersby for the price of a good relocation agent, or if they are really lucky, a room in a low tax shelter community down the lake. There but for the grace of God.
Ciao for now
PS- please start using the comment facility under articles. I would love to get some feedback as long as it is glowingly positive. I know who you are.
Anyway, the Street has been very quiet of late. I suspect it is because all the Daughters of the American Revolution and spawn have gone back Stateside to enjoy the "happy holidays". Meanwhile, without an external enemy, the Sunnymountain Street Mother`s Mafia seem to be engaged in some internecine struggle to see who can come up with the best/most yuletide decorations. The houses round here are sagging under the weight of Chritsmas lights, Santas on ladders scaling the walls and for some reason this seasons must have, large straw donkeys. Me neither.
That means gang related violence drops off drastically this time of year and the daughter and I are free to roam at will without fear. However, Eggnog realted violence peaks around now, so it is always worth staying on your toes. We went to look at the Christmas market the other day. It was lovely, but spoiled a little by the immigrant British bankers who hang around at the train station. Talk to them and they will tell you how they have been driven out of the UK by economic persecution and cannot return for fear of the death tax penalty. I do feel a little sorry for them huddled around their warmth giving bonuses behind the station, begging passersby for the price of a good relocation agent, or if they are really lucky, a room in a low tax shelter community down the lake. There but for the grace of God.
Ciao for now
PS- please start using the comment facility under articles. I would love to get some feedback as long as it is glowingly positive. I know who you are.
Tuesday 15 December 2009
What Is Amiss with the Swiss Kiss
Influenza still grips the Welle-Skitts in it`s sneezy, bless you, stacks of soggy tissue stranglehold. The daughter has recovered just enough to go back to school this morning, thus ensuring the virus should clobber the maximum number of households over the Christmas period. Ho ho ho. Well, at least I get to take it easier today, and that`s the important thing. Sadly, the wife is still affluent (I think that is the right term for a banker who is off with flu?). They do say it hits the elderly particularly hard.
Anyway, I blame the Swiss. They kiss like it is going out of fashion. As I have metioned before, three air kisses is the accepted norm here everytime you greet or retreat. It is not surprising that we are being stalked by a flu pandemic with all this intimate and unprotected carnal canoodling going on. If you turn up at a place where there are lots of women, say a brothel, there is simply no point in taking your coat off as by the time you have finished the greeting kissing it will be time to start all over again with the retreating kissing so that you can make your last train home. Madness!.
And the Swiss will steal a kiss whenever and where ever it presents itself. The wife was knocked off her bicycle a couple of years back and, while she lay dazed and bleeding at the roadside, a passing pervert saw his chance and kissed her on top of the head then ran off giggling.
Maybe I am feeling just a bit grumpy because I have quit smoking. I have composed a short poem in memorium to my erstwhile companion, the humble cigarette.
"You were My north, My Silk Cut, My Emphysema, My West,
My morning drag, My constricted chest,
My crutch, My Marlborough Light, My midnight walk, My old bloke pong,
I thought that cough would last forever, I hope I was wrong."
Ciao for now
Anyway, I blame the Swiss. They kiss like it is going out of fashion. As I have metioned before, three air kisses is the accepted norm here everytime you greet or retreat. It is not surprising that we are being stalked by a flu pandemic with all this intimate and unprotected carnal canoodling going on. If you turn up at a place where there are lots of women, say a brothel, there is simply no point in taking your coat off as by the time you have finished the greeting kissing it will be time to start all over again with the retreating kissing so that you can make your last train home. Madness!.
And the Swiss will steal a kiss whenever and where ever it presents itself. The wife was knocked off her bicycle a couple of years back and, while she lay dazed and bleeding at the roadside, a passing pervert saw his chance and kissed her on top of the head then ran off giggling.
Maybe I am feeling just a bit grumpy because I have quit smoking. I have composed a short poem in memorium to my erstwhile companion, the humble cigarette.
"You were My north, My Silk Cut, My Emphysema, My West,
My morning drag, My constricted chest,
My crutch, My Marlborough Light, My midnight walk, My old bloke pong,
I thought that cough would last forever, I hope I was wrong."
Ciao for now
Monday 14 December 2009
Breaking News: Swine Flu May Have Hit Sunnymountain Street, Possibly.
It is like a particularly sniffy, snotty and thoroughly coughy episode of House here on Sunnymountain Street. Both the wife and daughter are down with suspected flu.
I wish I had paid attention to all the Government infomercials about flu. I have a hazy recollection that there are different types. Bird flu which I suspect only affects women, absolute bloody pig flu, that one has to be men only and of course the dreaded Tamiflu, which has decimated female country and western singers across Mississippi.
Anyway, the upshot is that I am now the main carer for the entire family. I tried to think what my mother used to do when we were sick and needing TLC. So I stuck a postit note to the fridge door saying there were pop tarts in the freezer and popped down the pub for a large G&T or three. Dear old mum, bet she is looking up at us and laughing.
Must dash, the wife needs me
I wish I had paid attention to all the Government infomercials about flu. I have a hazy recollection that there are different types. Bird flu which I suspect only affects women, absolute bloody pig flu, that one has to be men only and of course the dreaded Tamiflu, which has decimated female country and western singers across Mississippi.
Anyway, the upshot is that I am now the main carer for the entire family. I tried to think what my mother used to do when we were sick and needing TLC. So I stuck a postit note to the fridge door saying there were pop tarts in the freezer and popped down the pub for a large G&T or three. Dear old mum, bet she is looking up at us and laughing.
Must dash, the wife needs me
Friday 11 December 2009
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
I had my hair cut this morning. That qualifies as a noteworthy event in my life these days. It is not often I get to go beyond the garden gate. I have been going to the same place now for over two years. The place used to be run by a chain smoking old boy by the name of Herr Peace. I remember the last time I saw him. I went in with a picture of George Clooney and asked him to work his magic. I heard he dropped dead a few hours later from a stress related condition. I refuse to believe that the two incidents were connected. Very sad, I never achieved that Clooneyesque look. Makes you think though, he was only 82.
So I have decided to be positive, to live life at full throtle from now on. That means I have no time to write anymore today. Have lovely weekends. Pip pip
So I have decided to be positive, to live life at full throtle from now on. That means I have no time to write anymore today. Have lovely weekends. Pip pip
Thursday 10 December 2009
Georgie Porgie and the Bearded Lady
Still no missive from Dave. I did get an email from young George Osbourne, the Shadow Chancellor and Head Tuck Shop Monitor. In a nutshell he said Alistair Darling is rubbish and smells a bit. I told the cheeky young chipolata that I used to work with Alistair and he was not at all rubbish, but that yes, I was already aware of the personal hygeine issues.
He also asked if he could copy my homework and if he could catch swine flu from email spam. "No George, no. You will only be cheating yourself and one day you may be running the economy, and email spam is not the same as the delicious pork based product you may have enjoyed as a boy" I said. Honestly, the problems I have with these politicians.
Just got back from the supermarket where I bumped into Fat Kath in the men`s grooming section. She was holding a beard trimmer. "For my husband" she said when she saw me glance at the trimmer. I suspect not, partly because her husband is as hairless as a new born badger and partly because Kath has a five o`clock shadow and something approaching a handlebar moustache.
Kath told me she was starting up her own blog. I said " given that you are as wide as you are tall, almost globe like, you will bring a whole new meaning to the term blogosphere. Are you going to be addressing lots of weighty issues on your blog"?. No, you`re right, I didn`t say that, only thought it. I am too chicken.
After exchanging a few more fake pleasantries we swiss cheek kissed three times as is the norm here. I now have stubble burn.
PS- I now have advertising (see above) Please help the poor starving Africans and my bank balance. Klick away like it`s going out of fashion. This time next year I`ll be a millionaire!
He also asked if he could copy my homework and if he could catch swine flu from email spam. "No George, no. You will only be cheating yourself and one day you may be running the economy, and email spam is not the same as the delicious pork based product you may have enjoyed as a boy" I said. Honestly, the problems I have with these politicians.
Just got back from the supermarket where I bumped into Fat Kath in the men`s grooming section. She was holding a beard trimmer. "For my husband" she said when she saw me glance at the trimmer. I suspect not, partly because her husband is as hairless as a new born badger and partly because Kath has a five o`clock shadow and something approaching a handlebar moustache.
Kath told me she was starting up her own blog. I said " given that you are as wide as you are tall, almost globe like, you will bring a whole new meaning to the term blogosphere. Are you going to be addressing lots of weighty issues on your blog"?. No, you`re right, I didn`t say that, only thought it. I am too chicken.
After exchanging a few more fake pleasantries we swiss cheek kissed three times as is the norm here. I now have stubble burn.
PS- I now have advertising (see above) Please help the poor starving Africans and my bank balance. Klick away like it`s going out of fashion. This time next year I`ll be a millionaire!
Wednesday 9 December 2009
Love Thy Neighbour
Still no reply from Dave "Big Tent" Cameron. I can`t understand it, I thought they were the new touchy feely Tory party, engaging with the less fortunate,not the old devil take the hindmost party. It appears they can hug a hoody but not love a looney. Doesn`t bode well for NHS mental health service funding when they can`t even be bothered to reply to someone so obviously off his rocker. Is this newly minted niceness just a front?. Surely not.
Anyway, all quiet in the compound this morning. The question I am mulling over today is: " am I a good neighbour"?. I am only pondering as we have got through two sets of nextdoor neighbours in the last two years and the house currently stands empty.
I think I am a good neighbour. Our dad always brought us up to respect people`s privacy and property. I remember once, a man stopped and let his dog do his doings on our front lawn. The old man went ballistic, the dogman said it was only a dog doing what dogs do, doo. Pater replied that in that case he would bring his three sons around to the man`s house and let us have a number two on his front lawn. After all that would be just boys being boys doing what they do. Defeated, the man scooped the poop and left. Imagine my unadulterated joy when I moved up to middle school and found dogman was my new headmaster. My life chances were blighted.
Moving on, some people did come to view next door a couple of weeks back. I remember because it was a warm day and I had opened all the windows. The house was really rockin as the daughter and her friend were dancing around and screaming to "I`m a Barbie Girl in a Barbie World" and other classics.
I saw the prospective neighbours from the kitchen window as they left shaking their heads. The estate agent who has been trying to shift the house for six months gave me the kind of stare that could dissolve a gall stone at 20 paces. She hasn`t been back since. Perhaps word has gone round that I am not a good neighbour. My father would be turning in his grave if he were actually dead.
Anyway, all quiet in the compound this morning. The question I am mulling over today is: " am I a good neighbour"?. I am only pondering as we have got through two sets of nextdoor neighbours in the last two years and the house currently stands empty.
I think I am a good neighbour. Our dad always brought us up to respect people`s privacy and property. I remember once, a man stopped and let his dog do his doings on our front lawn. The old man went ballistic, the dogman said it was only a dog doing what dogs do, doo. Pater replied that in that case he would bring his three sons around to the man`s house and let us have a number two on his front lawn. After all that would be just boys being boys doing what they do. Defeated, the man scooped the poop and left. Imagine my unadulterated joy when I moved up to middle school and found dogman was my new headmaster. My life chances were blighted.
Moving on, some people did come to view next door a couple of weeks back. I remember because it was a warm day and I had opened all the windows. The house was really rockin as the daughter and her friend were dancing around and screaming to "I`m a Barbie Girl in a Barbie World" and other classics.
I saw the prospective neighbours from the kitchen window as they left shaking their heads. The estate agent who has been trying to shift the house for six months gave me the kind of stare that could dissolve a gall stone at 20 paces. She hasn`t been back since. Perhaps word has gone round that I am not a good neighbour. My father would be turning in his grave if he were actually dead.
Tuesday 8 December 2009
A Letter to David Cameron
As the UK General Election is fast approaching I thought you would wish to know where the parties stand on issues of import. Below is the letter I have just emailed to David Cameron, Leader of Her Majesty`s Opposition, The Conservative Party. I have adopted the guise of a ignorant,half cut, and politically quizzical London expat. Some may say that is a pretty thin disguise. In the interests of political impartiality for which this site is not noted, there will be follow up letters to the Prime Minister and to the leader of the Liberal Democarts, you know, whats his name. I will of course keep you posted on any response. (See how many names of Tory Front Bench spokespeople you can find, oh fun, a quiz!)
"Dear Dave
I am a retired Londoner living in Switzerland with the wife. We was thinkin of voting for your lot but we are your typical floating voters (I am writing this from me yacht).
Me and the wife is a bit concerned about Europe. Why cant we ahve a referdendum as you promised? The wife thinks you have got yourselfs into a right Eric Pickles over Europe. She says you are perpetrating a massive Francis Maude on the Britsih people. The wife don’t trust you politicians, a Liam Fox on all their houses is what she says. I must admit I am a bit William Hague on where you stand . I can tell you alot of the lads down the yacht club are holding a Greiveance about what they see as being betrayed.
I try and defend you, telling them that you are a good Gove. You were a member of the Bollinger Club I think. Im quite partial to a drop meself, in fact me and the wife are on our third bottle right now. The lads all says they will vote for UKIP becos the Torys are full of merchant bankers and Euro loving Jeremy Hunts (essquse my French),. Idont belive that. I was always bought up to belive the Tory way is the true blue Brutish way, Queen and cuntry ect. And I think you are quite a liberal democrat, you dont appose Theresa Mays in the army for instant.
If you could just reinsure me that you belive you are on the extremely right track then I think I will vote for you Dave..I look forward to your reply.
Yours faithfully from Zurich
Mr Ian Welle-Skitt Esq"
"Dear Dave
I am a retired Londoner living in Switzerland with the wife. We was thinkin of voting for your lot but we are your typical floating voters (I am writing this from me yacht).
Me and the wife is a bit concerned about Europe. Why cant we ahve a referdendum as you promised? The wife thinks you have got yourselfs into a right Eric Pickles over Europe. She says you are perpetrating a massive Francis Maude on the Britsih people. The wife don’t trust you politicians, a Liam Fox on all their houses is what she says. I must admit I am a bit William Hague on where you stand . I can tell you alot of the lads down the yacht club are holding a Greiveance about what they see as being betrayed.
I try and defend you, telling them that you are a good Gove. You were a member of the Bollinger Club I think. Im quite partial to a drop meself, in fact me and the wife are on our third bottle right now. The lads all says they will vote for UKIP becos the Torys are full of merchant bankers and Euro loving Jeremy Hunts (essquse my French),. Idont belive that. I was always bought up to belive the Tory way is the true blue Brutish way, Queen and cuntry ect. And I think you are quite a liberal democrat, you dont appose Theresa Mays in the army for instant.
If you could just reinsure me that you belive you are on the extremely right track then I think I will vote for you Dave..I look forward to your reply.
Yours faithfully from Zurich
Mr Ian Welle-Skitt Esq"
The Deaf and the Dumb
Just when I thought the day couldn`t get any worse, it has. I was sitting at the laptop trying to bang out an article that is overdue when there was a ringing of the door bell. I shouted through the open window that I would be there in a sec as I was at a critical juncture in plot composition (the title is always the trickiest bit). Well would you believe it, the doorbell went again. "Just a minute" I yelled, loudly enough to be heard down most of the street. Three seconds later it went again. Well that was it, by now I was shouty-crackers mad. I stormed to the door, but not before the bell sounded for a fourth time.
Flinging open the door I scowled and growled menacingly "Are you deaf or what!". The sweet young lady at the door smiled, and then handed me a card without a word. It said " I am deaf". Well, I ask you, what are the chances of that?. Needless to say I bought something out of guilt.
Flinging open the door I scowled and growled menacingly "Are you deaf or what!". The sweet young lady at the door smiled, and then handed me a card without a word. It said " I am deaf". Well, I ask you, what are the chances of that?. Needless to say I bought something out of guilt.
Fashion Victim
My postion as Sunny Mountain Street's resident fashionista is fast unraveling. How can this be, my fashion CV is to die for?. I was the first person to introduce flourescent lycra and leg warmers to a certain Worcestershire village (it`s still too dangerous for me to go back) and I knew Calvin Klien when he was just plain old Kevin Small, operating his bespoke pants business from above a chip shop in Tipton.
But it's all going pear shaped. First there was the incident of the ladyboy jumper. Regular readers will remember that my manly equalibrium was unsettled when I saw a woman buying a jumper I had my eye on. Well I can no longer wear that jumper in public, it`s simply not worth the risk.
So I found a new jumper. Really liked it. Then at a recent party where I was wearing my new favourite jumper two people said "oh you`re wearing your Christmas jumper". I was devastated. Thats another one for indoor use only.
Today I was walking past the Town Brothel when I was jeered by the penniless old Italian men who gather there to lick the windows. The semi naked girls in the windows don`t seem to mind them and it saves on the window cleaning bill. Anyway, the old gits thought my red drainpipes and winkle pickers highly entertaining. Normally I would just turn and give them a withering stare, and they would run away giggling, Italians do that. But yesterday the wife told me I was too old to wear my jeans turned up a la Morrissey. My confidence is shattered. I just skulked off home and had a little manly cry.
Moving on, the Christmas party season is upon us and I thought that there is no reason why I, as a worker, should not have a Christmas do with the boss, or the daughter as she is otherwise known. I am in the process of organising a full sit down meal at local mid range eatery with secret santa gift giving thrown in to spice up the proceedings. Oh, wonder what I will get?.
The daughter has just informed me that she can`t make the Christmas party after all as she has to wash her Barbie`s hair that night. No secret santa for me then. Just as well really, I have absolutely nothing that I can wear out now.
But it's all going pear shaped. First there was the incident of the ladyboy jumper. Regular readers will remember that my manly equalibrium was unsettled when I saw a woman buying a jumper I had my eye on. Well I can no longer wear that jumper in public, it`s simply not worth the risk.
So I found a new jumper. Really liked it. Then at a recent party where I was wearing my new favourite jumper two people said "oh you`re wearing your Christmas jumper". I was devastated. Thats another one for indoor use only.
Today I was walking past the Town Brothel when I was jeered by the penniless old Italian men who gather there to lick the windows. The semi naked girls in the windows don`t seem to mind them and it saves on the window cleaning bill. Anyway, the old gits thought my red drainpipes and winkle pickers highly entertaining. Normally I would just turn and give them a withering stare, and they would run away giggling, Italians do that. But yesterday the wife told me I was too old to wear my jeans turned up a la Morrissey. My confidence is shattered. I just skulked off home and had a little manly cry.
Moving on, the Christmas party season is upon us and I thought that there is no reason why I, as a worker, should not have a Christmas do with the boss, or the daughter as she is otherwise known. I am in the process of organising a full sit down meal at local mid range eatery with secret santa gift giving thrown in to spice up the proceedings. Oh, wonder what I will get?.
The daughter has just informed me that she can`t make the Christmas party after all as she has to wash her Barbie`s hair that night. No secret santa for me then. Just as well really, I have absolutely nothing that I can wear out now.
Friday 4 December 2009
Something For the Weekend
Given up the diet. I have lost 2.5 kg in 4 days but I calculated that if I carried on at this rate by 14th February I would cease to exist in any physical form. That would be inconvenient. Who cheered?! Come on own up. Have lovely weekends and normal service will resume on Monday.
Wednesday 2 December 2009
SIT REP DAY 3
Weight Loss: 0.8 kg = total 1.8kg
Weather: Dangerous levels of atmospheric pollution associated with a deep depression moving up from the Azores
Bodily Reaction to Diet: As above.
Mental State: Just dandy and a little delirious
Physical Appearance: Failing eyesight means I can only see shadows in the mirror
Comments received on new skinny me: None
Well day 3 and already major organs are beginning to fail. The old brain seems to be ok though, probably because it has oodles of pristine, never before used, still in the original package capacity to absorb the punishment. I do feel very feeble and I have a strange tingling sensation on my scalp. It could be that I am stressed from lack of food or I have head lice, I just don't know. Just noticed that stressed is desserts spelled backwards. Mmmmm desserts.
I am starting to doubt the "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" maxim. I have heard that there are websites devoted to promoting/supporting anorexic lifestyles, so called ProAna sites. Sure its nice to feel good about yourself, so I am told, but how the hell do these hard core bods operate day to day. After just two and a half days my mental faculties and levels of concentration, never Premier League quality to start with, are now operating somewhere in the relegation zone of Vauxhall Conference League.
Far be it from me to criticize so I won't. Anyway, people on these sites can get quite bonkers in the nut fanatical. I don't want to upset any scrawny stick insect psychos and end up on the recieving end of a ProAna Fatwa, or should that be Thinwa? Who knows.
What else happened today. Well, the daughter is off school as they have another teacher training day. That is now 6 days off for teacher training since October! What is going on?. If this carries on we will have super brain box teachers but kids who can hardly tie their own shoe laces at age 13 cos their teachers were never there. Goodness I am grumpy.
Then swimming. The daughter can swim very well now and I am so light I could be mistaken for a pond skater or a very large cork. I hardly broke the meniscus. We did not stay long as the place was packed with pensioners. It is a fact that naked pensioners are not easy on the eye, shed dead skin and have a higher rate of leprosy than the under 44s.
I think I am delirious.
Weather: Dangerous levels of atmospheric pollution associated with a deep depression moving up from the Azores
Bodily Reaction to Diet: As above.
Mental State: Just dandy and a little delirious
Physical Appearance: Failing eyesight means I can only see shadows in the mirror
Comments received on new skinny me: None
Well day 3 and already major organs are beginning to fail. The old brain seems to be ok though, probably because it has oodles of pristine, never before used, still in the original package capacity to absorb the punishment. I do feel very feeble and I have a strange tingling sensation on my scalp. It could be that I am stressed from lack of food or I have head lice, I just don't know. Just noticed that stressed is desserts spelled backwards. Mmmmm desserts.
I am starting to doubt the "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" maxim. I have heard that there are websites devoted to promoting/supporting anorexic lifestyles, so called ProAna sites. Sure its nice to feel good about yourself, so I am told, but how the hell do these hard core bods operate day to day. After just two and a half days my mental faculties and levels of concentration, never Premier League quality to start with, are now operating somewhere in the relegation zone of Vauxhall Conference League.
Far be it from me to criticize so I won't. Anyway, people on these sites can get quite bonkers in the nut fanatical. I don't want to upset any scrawny stick insect psychos and end up on the recieving end of a ProAna Fatwa, or should that be Thinwa? Who knows.
What else happened today. Well, the daughter is off school as they have another teacher training day. That is now 6 days off for teacher training since October! What is going on?. If this carries on we will have super brain box teachers but kids who can hardly tie their own shoe laces at age 13 cos their teachers were never there. Goodness I am grumpy.
Then swimming. The daughter can swim very well now and I am so light I could be mistaken for a pond skater or a very large cork. I hardly broke the meniscus. We did not stay long as the place was packed with pensioners. It is a fact that naked pensioners are not easy on the eye, shed dead skin and have a higher rate of leprosy than the under 44s.
I think I am delirious.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
