And now the end is near, and so I face the final curtain...and damn me if it isn`t dirty, I`ll have to pop it into the wash. That`s one more job I have to do in the dying days of what I had thought was my long planned for early retirement.
A week ago I decided that I would try and cram in as much of my life`s remaining "To Do" list as I could in the last few days beforing returning to the coal face. For the past three years my aim in life has been to do nothing and I must say I have hit it with amazing accuracy. I know hard work has never killed anyone, but why take the chance? And can you, hand on heart, say you would have done it differently?
So to be honest, it wasn`t actually a list, it only had one target and that was to do as much "sitting in the sun toasting my toes" as humanly possible. Who knows when I will be able to do it again. Anyway, done that. Tick. Does anyone have a remedy for sun burned toes?
At least we seem to have the nanny situation sorted. Last night the lads at Pot Bellies snooker club were getting very excited when they heard about the nanny. They asked me all sorts of probing pedagogical questions like, "is she fit?" Actually that was the only question.
I had to inform them that she has beautiful eyes, only one of which she removes at night, and that we would all lose an arm wrestling competition with her. The sense of disappointment was palpable so we had another beer.
Better go and wash that final curtain. Ciao for now.
Thursday 27 May 2010
Tuesday 25 May 2010
The Vagina Monologues
Oh what a busy weekend. On Saturday, the first really warm day of the summer, I had to do community service, helping local piano dealer Yorkshire T and his lovely wife Ursula Von Deutschland move into their new country estate.
Ursula loves foreign travel but this year they will have to stay home after the expense of moving. Always able to think outside the moving box, Ursula hit on the bright idea of importing her own beach. I shifted several cubic tonnes of sand, a fully functioning donkey ride and a frightened looking ice cream vendor. There is now a perfect replica of the Costa Del Sol in a small village in Switzerland. I may never walk again.
Sunday and it was the daughter`s circus school performance. She was simply great on the high wire and the other kids were pretty rubbish. Pics available upon request. To celebrate we had a BBQ Sunday afternoon. All the great and the good were present, very select guest list, non of the local riff raff.
The guest list was as follows:
The Right Hon. Big J and Lady Annabel- Zurich`s social butterflies they were sadly only able to stay 5 minutes as they had another engagement. Three hours, several bottles of fizz and half a pig later they finally stepped into their waiting limousine and sped off followed by reporters from "Greuzi" Magazine, Switzerland`s equivalent of "Hello".
Richie Rich and Filthy Lucretia with heir and spare- they are the richest people in Switzerland. They arrived in their new 666 Series BMW FU Phallus convertible. Richie said he had only managed to get the car up to 270 kmh and complained that on a hot day he was sick of having to scrape bits of poor people off the windscreen. Well known philanthropists, they do alot of work in the community. Recently they erected a dung heap so that local children, if they stand on each other`s shoulders, can just about see the Rich family enjoying their olympic sized swimming pool. Jealous? You bet.
Mrs J Cameron-Clegg and the Rev. A. B`stinence and assorted Young Conservatives. Mrs CC is Gruppenfuhrer of the local Conservative Association and a leading light in the Prosecco Players, the local AmDram Society. There is a rumour that a New Years Honour is in the pipeline for her services to Blancmange. The Rev., a teetotaller, was hounded out of his native Australia for trying to ban "the devil`s tipple" and has now formed the Adliswil Temperance Society. Current membership 1
Beyoncé Lactose-Intolerant and children Brie and Gruyére. A tireless campaigner against the evils of cheese, Beyoncé made the front pages in the UK when she tried to fill in the Cheddar Gorge. She is a founding member of the Anti Fondue Front and lives on a hill.
Miss T Louboutin and fiance Mr D Head-Hunter Esq. Local "It" Girl Miss Louboutin is Zurich`s premier party organiser/attendee and a member of the "Prosecco Players". No champagne cork pops in this town without her approval and perhaps just a glass or two. She is affianced to Mr D Head-Hunter who controls the local Teamsters. No one works in this town without his say so. He is also a volunteer fireman and rumour has it that he and Miss Louboutin met when he rescued her from a burning hotel bar. She had gone back in to save the Kristal champagne and her address book but had been overcome by the fumes from a burning super model.
Yorkshire T and Ursula Von Deutschland. Frau Von Deutschland is one of Zurich`s best known architects. Her design for a SpongeBob Squarepants inspired pitch and putt crazy golf course to replace New York`s Twin Towers following 9/11 were narrowly beaten into 17685th place. She currently has 7 children and is expecting the 14th next Tuesday. Yorkshire T likes pianos,pot plants and Yorkshire tea.
After a lavish banquet, entertainment was provided by Miss T Louboutin and Mrs J Cameron-Clegg,"The Prosseco Players", who gave the assembled guests their charming interpretation of the "The Vagina Monologues".
I had hoped that Yorkshire T would tinkle the ivories accompanied by the extraordinary vocals of Ursula Von Deutschland and perform a version of Stair Way to Heaven. Unfortuantely, their piano was stuck halfway up their own stairway at home. You just cannot get good piano movers these days.
Luckily one of the Young Conservatives stepped into the breach and amazed guests with his Acrobatic Al Fresco Urination Routine. Guests were still talking about it hours later.
The evening was rounded off with dancing. I had planned a waltz but the Prosecco Players wanted to test out their new Macarena routine. Video footage is available upon request. I then telephoned the local taxi firm and a fleet of cars/ambulances arrived to take the guests away.
Ursula loves foreign travel but this year they will have to stay home after the expense of moving. Always able to think outside the moving box, Ursula hit on the bright idea of importing her own beach. I shifted several cubic tonnes of sand, a fully functioning donkey ride and a frightened looking ice cream vendor. There is now a perfect replica of the Costa Del Sol in a small village in Switzerland. I may never walk again.
Sunday and it was the daughter`s circus school performance. She was simply great on the high wire and the other kids were pretty rubbish. Pics available upon request. To celebrate we had a BBQ Sunday afternoon. All the great and the good were present, very select guest list, non of the local riff raff.
The guest list was as follows:
The Right Hon. Big J and Lady Annabel- Zurich`s social butterflies they were sadly only able to stay 5 minutes as they had another engagement. Three hours, several bottles of fizz and half a pig later they finally stepped into their waiting limousine and sped off followed by reporters from "Greuzi" Magazine, Switzerland`s equivalent of "Hello".
Richie Rich and Filthy Lucretia with heir and spare- they are the richest people in Switzerland. They arrived in their new 666 Series BMW FU Phallus convertible. Richie said he had only managed to get the car up to 270 kmh and complained that on a hot day he was sick of having to scrape bits of poor people off the windscreen. Well known philanthropists, they do alot of work in the community. Recently they erected a dung heap so that local children, if they stand on each other`s shoulders, can just about see the Rich family enjoying their olympic sized swimming pool. Jealous? You bet.
Mrs J Cameron-Clegg and the Rev. A. B`stinence and assorted Young Conservatives. Mrs CC is Gruppenfuhrer of the local Conservative Association and a leading light in the Prosecco Players, the local AmDram Society. There is a rumour that a New Years Honour is in the pipeline for her services to Blancmange. The Rev., a teetotaller, was hounded out of his native Australia for trying to ban "the devil`s tipple" and has now formed the Adliswil Temperance Society. Current membership 1
Beyoncé Lactose-Intolerant and children Brie and Gruyére. A tireless campaigner against the evils of cheese, Beyoncé made the front pages in the UK when she tried to fill in the Cheddar Gorge. She is a founding member of the Anti Fondue Front and lives on a hill.
Miss T Louboutin and fiance Mr D Head-Hunter Esq. Local "It" Girl Miss Louboutin is Zurich`s premier party organiser/attendee and a member of the "Prosecco Players". No champagne cork pops in this town without her approval and perhaps just a glass or two. She is affianced to Mr D Head-Hunter who controls the local Teamsters. No one works in this town without his say so. He is also a volunteer fireman and rumour has it that he and Miss Louboutin met when he rescued her from a burning hotel bar. She had gone back in to save the Kristal champagne and her address book but had been overcome by the fumes from a burning super model.
Yorkshire T and Ursula Von Deutschland. Frau Von Deutschland is one of Zurich`s best known architects. Her design for a SpongeBob Squarepants inspired pitch and putt crazy golf course to replace New York`s Twin Towers following 9/11 were narrowly beaten into 17685th place. She currently has 7 children and is expecting the 14th next Tuesday. Yorkshire T likes pianos,pot plants and Yorkshire tea.
After a lavish banquet, entertainment was provided by Miss T Louboutin and Mrs J Cameron-Clegg,"The Prosseco Players", who gave the assembled guests their charming interpretation of the "The Vagina Monologues".
I had hoped that Yorkshire T would tinkle the ivories accompanied by the extraordinary vocals of Ursula Von Deutschland and perform a version of Stair Way to Heaven. Unfortuantely, their piano was stuck halfway up their own stairway at home. You just cannot get good piano movers these days.
Luckily one of the Young Conservatives stepped into the breach and amazed guests with his Acrobatic Al Fresco Urination Routine. Guests were still talking about it hours later.
The evening was rounded off with dancing. I had planned a waltz but the Prosecco Players wanted to test out their new Macarena routine. Video footage is available upon request. I then telephoned the local taxi firm and a fleet of cars/ambulances arrived to take the guests away.
Friday 21 May 2010
Suicide Isn`t Painless
The weather here is still as bleak and depressing as a UK election result, it`s really getting people down. I just drove past the Dignitas assisted suicide clinic and they were queueing round the block. There were also many religious groups protesting with banners saying things like "Don`t Let Worry Kill You- Let the Church Help" and "Honk if You Love Jesus".
I did honk the horn but only to clear the road of tambourine tapping happy clappers who were holding up the traffic. As I drove by one of the God Squad threw a leaflet into the car. All I can say is that any unemployed grave diggers reading this? Grab your shovel and hot foot it over to Zurich, you`ll hit the mother lode, guaranteed.
To add to my personal sense of doom and gloom I haven`t been able to find a decent shirt for my return to work. Actually thats not quite true. I did find and buy one shirt. To say it was expensive would be an understatement. I couldn`t afford it but the shop assitant gave me a special price. In the end I only had to sign over a tenth of my future income, agree to undertake a little light housework twice a week and perform a sex act. Shirt buying over here can ruin you and that really leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.I do miss Pinks and Hacketts.
Anyway, I have just had my 11am Pink Gin and I decided to read the leaflet chucked into the car at the protest. It had been helpfully translated into English and reads as follows.
REFORM CHURCH OF SATAN
CHURCH BULLETIN
Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the Ladies’ Liturgy Group will meet. Frau Würst will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the English Speaking Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
Thanks to Frau Grun for her help at Easter when she came forward and laid an egg on the altar.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement this Saturday.
Who thought religion could be so much fun. I`m off to church. Have lovely weekends.
I did honk the horn but only to clear the road of tambourine tapping happy clappers who were holding up the traffic. As I drove by one of the God Squad threw a leaflet into the car. All I can say is that any unemployed grave diggers reading this? Grab your shovel and hot foot it over to Zurich, you`ll hit the mother lode, guaranteed.
To add to my personal sense of doom and gloom I haven`t been able to find a decent shirt for my return to work. Actually thats not quite true. I did find and buy one shirt. To say it was expensive would be an understatement. I couldn`t afford it but the shop assitant gave me a special price. In the end I only had to sign over a tenth of my future income, agree to undertake a little light housework twice a week and perform a sex act. Shirt buying over here can ruin you and that really leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.I do miss Pinks and Hacketts.
Anyway, I have just had my 11am Pink Gin and I decided to read the leaflet chucked into the car at the protest. It had been helpfully translated into English and reads as follows.
REFORM CHURCH OF SATAN
CHURCH BULLETIN
Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the Ladies’ Liturgy Group will meet. Frau Würst will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the English Speaking Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
Thanks to Frau Grun for her help at Easter when she came forward and laid an egg on the altar.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement this Saturday.
Who thought religion could be so much fun. I`m off to church. Have lovely weekends.
Thursday 20 May 2010
Innocent Until Proven Guilty
Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue so I feel obliged to tell you that The Widow Maker did it`s bloody work again last night. Two young cuesmen challenged and were then promptly dispatched with a brutal, clinical ease and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth from their assembled womenfolk. Yes, I won at snooker again. Is there no stopping me?
Today I have been feeling fed up. Partly its down to the weather, we have been living in a cloud bank for the last two weeks. But part of me, my feminine side perhaps, is tormenting me with the same questions time and time again: "Am I letting my daughter down by going back to work"? and "does my bum look big in this"? I am hardly able to sleep in the afternoons.
These feelings of guilt and shame, of letting the side down, of not holding out for the sake of a brave new world, of frankly being a sell out are oh so hard to deal with. Nick Clegg must be going through something similar.
Sources close to the author say it is a sign of being emotionally literate thanks to my three years as a Dummy. I think it may be dementia. The outward manifestations are worrying,a lack of concentration, short term memory loss and an inability to menstruate all point to the fact that I am not the man I used to be.
Does anyone have any advice?
Today I have been feeling fed up. Partly its down to the weather, we have been living in a cloud bank for the last two weeks. But part of me, my feminine side perhaps, is tormenting me with the same questions time and time again: "Am I letting my daughter down by going back to work"? and "does my bum look big in this"? I am hardly able to sleep in the afternoons.
These feelings of guilt and shame, of letting the side down, of not holding out for the sake of a brave new world, of frankly being a sell out are oh so hard to deal with. Nick Clegg must be going through something similar.
Sources close to the author say it is a sign of being emotionally literate thanks to my three years as a Dummy. I think it may be dementia. The outward manifestations are worrying,a lack of concentration, short term memory loss and an inability to menstruate all point to the fact that I am not the man I used to be.
Does anyone have any advice?
Tuesday 18 May 2010
The Widow Maker and the Au Pair
It has been a busy few days here on the Street as we search for an au pair. We have had to veto all the pouting, hair tossing 18 year olds full of eastern promise and with the morals of a Liberal Democrat. Totally unsuitable. When I say we, I of course mean not me. I am very open minded but perhaps it was a mistake to wonder aloud about taking duvet days off work.
I am sure we will find someone soon. Probably a Moldovan shot putter with stubble,sideburns,sensible shoes and a sun eclipsing silhouette.
Talking of pot bellies, it is snooker tonight. Another outing for my new snooker sword, the Excalibur of Adliswil,the Lightsaber from near Lichtenstein, forged in the fiery furnace of Hell`s bottom with added Dragon`s blood and just a pinch of nutmeg. In snooker loopy circles it is talked of in tones of hushed awe and known only as "The Widow Maker"
I want to be clear, that is "The Widow Maker" and not "The Window Maker" as my neighbour Aidan, or Hearing Aidan as he is known around here, seems to think. He is as deaf as a post, thick as two short planks and smells like a coalition government. Is that clear Aidan you deaf git!
Other than that not much to report. Thanks to all those who have voted on whether I should carry on with the blog. Love you all, except for the one who voted no. I will find you.
I am sure we will find someone soon. Probably a Moldovan shot putter with stubble,sideburns,sensible shoes and a sun eclipsing silhouette.
Talking of pot bellies, it is snooker tonight. Another outing for my new snooker sword, the Excalibur of Adliswil,the Lightsaber from near Lichtenstein, forged in the fiery furnace of Hell`s bottom with added Dragon`s blood and just a pinch of nutmeg. In snooker loopy circles it is talked of in tones of hushed awe and known only as "The Widow Maker"
I want to be clear, that is "The Widow Maker" and not "The Window Maker" as my neighbour Aidan, or Hearing Aidan as he is known around here, seems to think. He is as deaf as a post, thick as two short planks and smells like a coalition government. Is that clear Aidan you deaf git!
Other than that not much to report. Thanks to all those who have voted on whether I should carry on with the blog. Love you all, except for the one who voted no. I will find you.
Tuesday 11 May 2010
The Working Man
A spectre is haunting Europe, the people and the bankers wait in a state of exquisite arousal to see how the new man will perform. Yes, I have only gone and accidentally got myself a job!. More details available upon request.
Oh, and of course that unholy trinity, Tories, Libs and Dems have oozed and seeped their way into government. This morning all the ex pat Comrades gathered at the local Hooters bar. Over a glass or two of Heidi Slayer Beer with Cillit Bang chasers we discussed our options. The mood was very gloomy. Reg Hitler, the Street`s resident Communist, wanted an uprising. His life partner, Polly Glot, said she desperately wanted Reg to have one too but chance would be a fine thing.She says she can barely remember Erection Night 2005. Obviously the Viagra isn`t doing the trick.
The Street`s resident Idiot Savant, Warsaw Stan, said he feared a reintroduction of the Pole Tax and Ms Harriet "Hairy Legs" Hatemen, the firebrand leader of the International Gay, Lesbian and Transgender Nose Bleed Sufferers Collective, warned that there would be blood on the streets, and quite probably down the front of blouses too.
I decided to keep my own counsel, partly becuase those Cillit Bang chasers had made my lips go numb, and partly because I have not yet informed the Comrades that I am going to work for the military-industrial complex as a fascist running dog. No doubt they would accuse me of being a Champagne Socialist. My response, champagne, why not, nothing is too good for the working man.
Oh, and of course that unholy trinity, Tories, Libs and Dems have oozed and seeped their way into government. This morning all the ex pat Comrades gathered at the local Hooters bar. Over a glass or two of Heidi Slayer Beer with Cillit Bang chasers we discussed our options. The mood was very gloomy. Reg Hitler, the Street`s resident Communist, wanted an uprising. His life partner, Polly Glot, said she desperately wanted Reg to have one too but chance would be a fine thing.She says she can barely remember Erection Night 2005. Obviously the Viagra isn`t doing the trick.
The Street`s resident Idiot Savant, Warsaw Stan, said he feared a reintroduction of the Pole Tax and Ms Harriet "Hairy Legs" Hatemen, the firebrand leader of the International Gay, Lesbian and Transgender Nose Bleed Sufferers Collective, warned that there would be blood on the streets, and quite probably down the front of blouses too.
I decided to keep my own counsel, partly becuase those Cillit Bang chasers had made my lips go numb, and partly because I have not yet informed the Comrades that I am going to work for the military-industrial complex as a fascist running dog. No doubt they would accuse me of being a Champagne Socialist. My response, champagne, why not, nothing is too good for the working man.
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