The Vagina Monologues

Oh what a busy weekend. On Saturday, the first really warm day of the summer, I had to do community service, helping local piano dealer Yorkshire T and his lovely wife Ursula Von Deutschland move into their new country estate.

Ursula loves foreign travel but this year they will have to stay home after the expense of moving. Always able to think outside the moving box, Ursula hit on the bright idea of importing her own beach. I shifted several cubic tonnes of sand, a fully functioning donkey ride and a frightened looking ice cream vendor. There is now a perfect replica of the Costa Del Sol in a small village in Switzerland. I may never walk again.

Sunday and it was the daughter`s circus school performance. She was simply great on the high wire and the other kids were pretty rubbish. Pics available upon request. To celebrate we had a BBQ Sunday afternoon. All the great and the good were present, very select guest list, non of the local riff raff.

The guest list was as follows:

The Right Hon. Big J and Lady Annabel- Zurich`s social butterflies they were sadly only able to stay 5 minutes as they had another engagement. Three hours, several bottles of fizz and half a pig later they finally stepped into their waiting limousine and sped off followed by reporters from "Greuzi" Magazine, Switzerland`s equivalent of "Hello".

Richie Rich and Filthy Lucretia with heir and spare- they are the richest people in Switzerland. They arrived in their new 666 Series BMW FU Phallus convertible. Richie said he had only managed to get the car up to 270 kmh and complained that on a hot day he was sick of having to scrape bits of poor people off the windscreen. Well known philanthropists, they do alot of work in the community. Recently they erected a dung heap so that local children, if they stand on each other`s shoulders, can just about see the Rich family enjoying their olympic sized swimming pool. Jealous? You bet.

Mrs J Cameron-Clegg and the Rev. A. B`stinence and assorted Young Conservatives. Mrs CC is Gruppenfuhrer of the local Conservative Association and a leading light in the Prosecco Players, the local AmDram Society. There is a rumour that a New Years Honour is in the pipeline for her services to Blancmange. The Rev., a teetotaller, was hounded out of his native Australia for trying to ban "the devil`s tipple" and has now formed the Adliswil Temperance Society. Current membership 1

Beyoncé Lactose-Intolerant and children Brie and Gruyére. A tireless campaigner against the evils of cheese, Beyoncé made the front pages in the UK when she tried to fill in the Cheddar Gorge. She is a founding member of the Anti Fondue Front and lives on a hill.

Miss T Louboutin and fiance Mr D Head-Hunter Esq. Local "It" Girl Miss Louboutin is Zurich`s premier party organiser/attendee and a member of the "Prosecco Players". No champagne cork pops in this town without her approval and perhaps just a glass or two. She is affianced to Mr D Head-Hunter who controls the local Teamsters. No one works in this town without his say so. He is also a volunteer fireman and rumour has it that he and Miss Louboutin met when he rescued her from a burning hotel bar. She had gone back in to save the Kristal champagne and her address book but had been overcome by the fumes from a burning super model.

Yorkshire T and Ursula Von Deutschland. Frau Von Deutschland is one of Zurich`s best known architects. Her design for a SpongeBob Squarepants inspired pitch and putt crazy golf course to replace New York`s Twin Towers following 9/11 were narrowly beaten into 17685th place. She currently has 7 children and is expecting the 14th next Tuesday. Yorkshire T likes pianos,pot plants and Yorkshire tea.

After a lavish banquet, entertainment was provided by Miss T Louboutin and Mrs J Cameron-Clegg,"The Prosseco Players", who gave the assembled guests their charming interpretation of the "The Vagina Monologues".

I had hoped that Yorkshire T would tinkle the ivories accompanied by the extraordinary vocals of Ursula Von Deutschland and perform a version of Stair Way to Heaven. Unfortuantely, their piano was stuck halfway up their own stairway at home. You just cannot get good piano movers these days.

Luckily one of the Young Conservatives stepped into the breach and amazed guests with his Acrobatic Al Fresco Urination Routine. Guests were still talking about it hours later.

The evening was rounded off with dancing. I had planned a waltz but the Prosecco Players wanted to test out their new Macarena routine. Video footage is available upon request. I then telephoned the local taxi firm and a fleet of cars/ambulances arrived to take the guests away.