The family trip to Berlin to visit the wife`s olds was disrupted by Hephaestus, the Greek God with line management responsibilities for the fire of thunder and the flames of volcanoes.
Unable to fly we decided to drive up. There may have been a no fly zone at 30,000 feet but there was no shortage of the pesky little critters at ground level. I have spent most of this morning trying to scrape vapourised fly bits off my windscreen.
Driving on the German Autobahn is not dissimilar to a danse macabre, reminding all who hurtle along, what for the most part is a glorified country lane, of how fragile their lives are and how vain the glories of earthly life can be. I lost count of how many accidents we saw. Traffic reports of death and mayhem and stray cows in the fast lane (mad cow disease?)came in over the radio thick and fast. Strangely no "ghost drivers" this time. These are the suicidal souls who decide it would be a jolly good wheeze to drive the wrong way up a motorway and it seems to be a popular German hobby.
I noticed that every few miles there were posters of sad looking people under the banner "Runter Vom Gas". I asked the wife who this Runter Vom Gas chap was. A German X factor winner perhaps? She sighed her well practised sigh of the terminally disappointed, asked arched questions, the gist of which was had I ever actually turned up to one my German lessons, and then patiently informed me that it wasn`t a name but rather a road safety campaign slogan. It means take your foot off the pedal if you don`t want to die. Well, maybe, but I suspect that the majority of German road users also think Runter Vom Gas is an actual celebrity because they were certainly not slowing down. Maybe they were all racing to get home to catch his new single on tv.
Anyway, I survived. Lucky you.
Tuesday 20 April 2010
Tuesday 13 April 2010
Occam`s Razor-The Best a Man Can Get
Today the daughter is off school with a fever. I have been forced to clean around her, lifting her up every now and then to dust or hoover underneath. It has been non stop with the old Cillit Bang and I am exhausted. I havent even had the time or energy to shave this morning.
Well, I was taking the rubbish out when I saw Professor Roche Van Der Bong, the Street`s resident Dutch biologist know it all. The Prof is as thin as a stick and has his head in the clouds, literally, as he stands at well over two metres, that converts to just over bloody tall for those of you still using imperial measurements.
He was obviously out on one of his regular field trips, old canvas bag and butterfly net slung over his shoulder, pith helmet perched at a jaunty angle and sporting his usual unsightly sock and open toe sandle combo.
The Prof is always banging on about his work. He is totally obsessed and says his whole being is devoted to saving the richly diverse flora and fauna of our wonderful planet. Yawn.
I have always wanted to ask him why, when he finds some fascinating new species quietly going about it`s business, he feels obliged to impale it on a pin and then shove it into a dusty old glass display case?. But maybe its best to keep quiet for the sake of our friendship.
Anyway, after twenty minutes of being brought up to date with the fascinating developments in the world of tree-shrews and the mammalian phylogenetic tree (no idea) I managed to get a word in and told the Prof about the daughter`s illness, saying I wasn`t sure if it was Avian Bird Flu.
"You should use Occam`s Razor" said the Prof.
"I`m more of a Gillette man myself" I replied, stroking my unshaven chin.
The Prof slowly shook his highly domed head, "No, I mean Occam`s Razor,the principle that recommends selection of the hypothesis that introduces the fewest assumptions and postulates the fewest entities while still sufficiently answering the question".
"Eh?" I said
"I mean that the probability that your progeny has contracted H5N1, a subtype of Influenza A virus endemic to birds, perceived by some as a significant pandemic threat, is less likely than England winning the next World Cup" said the Prof in a decidedly egghead tone of voice.
"Eh?" I said
"She`s just got a cold you ignoramus" said the Prof
Well why didn`t he just say that in the first place?. Ponce.
Then he lolloped off to slaughter some more of his beloved life forms. I went in and told the daughter that she didn`t have Bird Flu.
"Get out of the way of the tv" she said " I can`t see Hannah Montana". I think she is feeling a little better. Excellent, back to school tomorrow.
Well, I was taking the rubbish out when I saw Professor Roche Van Der Bong, the Street`s resident Dutch biologist know it all. The Prof is as thin as a stick and has his head in the clouds, literally, as he stands at well over two metres, that converts to just over bloody tall for those of you still using imperial measurements.
He was obviously out on one of his regular field trips, old canvas bag and butterfly net slung over his shoulder, pith helmet perched at a jaunty angle and sporting his usual unsightly sock and open toe sandle combo.
The Prof is always banging on about his work. He is totally obsessed and says his whole being is devoted to saving the richly diverse flora and fauna of our wonderful planet. Yawn.
I have always wanted to ask him why, when he finds some fascinating new species quietly going about it`s business, he feels obliged to impale it on a pin and then shove it into a dusty old glass display case?. But maybe its best to keep quiet for the sake of our friendship.
Anyway, after twenty minutes of being brought up to date with the fascinating developments in the world of tree-shrews and the mammalian phylogenetic tree (no idea) I managed to get a word in and told the Prof about the daughter`s illness, saying I wasn`t sure if it was Avian Bird Flu.
"You should use Occam`s Razor" said the Prof.
"I`m more of a Gillette man myself" I replied, stroking my unshaven chin.
The Prof slowly shook his highly domed head, "No, I mean Occam`s Razor,the principle that recommends selection of the hypothesis that introduces the fewest assumptions and postulates the fewest entities while still sufficiently answering the question".
"Eh?" I said
"I mean that the probability that your progeny has contracted H5N1, a subtype of Influenza A virus endemic to birds, perceived by some as a significant pandemic threat, is less likely than England winning the next World Cup" said the Prof in a decidedly egghead tone of voice.
"Eh?" I said
"She`s just got a cold you ignoramus" said the Prof
Well why didn`t he just say that in the first place?. Ponce.
Then he lolloped off to slaughter some more of his beloved life forms. I went in and told the daughter that she didn`t have Bird Flu.
"Get out of the way of the tv" she said " I can`t see Hannah Montana". I think she is feeling a little better. Excellent, back to school tomorrow.
Friday 9 April 2010
Oh darling !
Sorry I was ill yesterday, bubonic space flu. A little better today thanks for asking. Anyway, despite being as high as a kite on flu medication I have dragged myself to the keyboard in order that you can get the final handy guide to help you decide to vote New Labour. See how much you mean to me.
As you may know I used to work very closely with Alistair Darling, the current Chancellor of the Exchequer. While we never became lovers there was some inappropriate touching around the Copenhagen Summit.
Anyway, Alistair agreed to be interviewed by me for your benefit. What follows is, to the best of my drug addled memory, an almost verbatim transcript of our romantic candle lit telephone chat.
Me: Hello, is that you darling?
AD: Who the f**k is this?. I`m in the effing sauna!
Me: Its me, stud muffin
AD: Oh its you. How`s it hangin?
Me: Now darling, we said we would never mention that little episode again. I just wanted to ask you why people should vote Labour in the next election. Whaddya think?
AD: Balls!
Me: Well really!
AD: Sorry, Ed Balls just came into the sauna in a state of psephological arousal and suggested we agree to get down and dirty on each others elections. I said no cos I have my freakin consultation period and it just wouldn`t be right. That little ***t is gagging to get his hands on my portfolio, I just know it. Anyway, I gave him a Glasgow kiss and he`s unconscious now.
Me: Thats wonderful Big Al. But this is a family blog that goes out before the 9pm watershed so try to keep it clean won`t you.Ok. First question. Why should people trust you to run the economy?
AD: Yes you are right that David Cameron and George Osborne, or Zippy and Bungle as Mrs Darling calls them, are totally clueless bed wetters. In a recent survey 9 out of 10 cats say that they preferred Labour to the Tories. As for those little weasels the Liberal Democrats it is a fact that 94.7% are kiddy fiddlers. So this election will be about policy and not personalities and I think the choice is clear.
Me: Right..what about the Prime Minister, the polls say he something of an electoral liablity?
AD: Screw those Commie b*****ds,they come over here picking our soft fruit and then expect to have a say. I blame Lech Walesa. Where was I, oh yes, while it is factually correct to say that all Conservatives are vile little slugs with breath like an autopsy I think we should concentrate on policy. In a recent survey 11 out of 10 women said they prefer Labour because they are worth it. And don`t worry about Gordon, I know a couple of geezers from Glasgow, sorted.
Me: Do you think the war in Iraq has harmed this country?
AD: Yes you are absolutely right that Saddam Hussein had several outstanding parking tickets which totally justify the inva...liberation of Iraq and he was card carrying Liberal Democrat. Lets not forget,a vote for the Lib Dems will allow the Ba`ath Party to have their wicked way with your children. And I think we all like having cheap oil. So whats the problem?
Me: You eloquently put a very convincing case darling. Anything else you would like to share with my readers?
AD: People read your crap? Well I really cannot comment on rumours that David Cameron is a vacuous whistling anus and that all Liberal Democrats are sexual deviants who smell of urine, that is for the voters to decide. But what I can say is that if you don`t vote Labour we are all ***cked.
Me: Thanks so much darling, very enlightening. Think we`ll have to end there before OffBlog close me down.
So there you have it. Now you have the full picture it is up to you to choose New Labour and who could blame you.
As you may know I used to work very closely with Alistair Darling, the current Chancellor of the Exchequer. While we never became lovers there was some inappropriate touching around the Copenhagen Summit.
Anyway, Alistair agreed to be interviewed by me for your benefit. What follows is, to the best of my drug addled memory, an almost verbatim transcript of our romantic candle lit telephone chat.
Me: Hello, is that you darling?
AD: Who the f**k is this?. I`m in the effing sauna!
Me: Its me, stud muffin
AD: Oh its you. How`s it hangin?
Me: Now darling, we said we would never mention that little episode again. I just wanted to ask you why people should vote Labour in the next election. Whaddya think?
AD: Balls!
Me: Well really!
AD: Sorry, Ed Balls just came into the sauna in a state of psephological arousal and suggested we agree to get down and dirty on each others elections. I said no cos I have my freakin consultation period and it just wouldn`t be right. That little ***t is gagging to get his hands on my portfolio, I just know it. Anyway, I gave him a Glasgow kiss and he`s unconscious now.
Me: Thats wonderful Big Al. But this is a family blog that goes out before the 9pm watershed so try to keep it clean won`t you.Ok. First question. Why should people trust you to run the economy?
AD: Yes you are right that David Cameron and George Osborne, or Zippy and Bungle as Mrs Darling calls them, are totally clueless bed wetters. In a recent survey 9 out of 10 cats say that they preferred Labour to the Tories. As for those little weasels the Liberal Democrats it is a fact that 94.7% are kiddy fiddlers. So this election will be about policy and not personalities and I think the choice is clear.
Me: Right..what about the Prime Minister, the polls say he something of an electoral liablity?
AD: Screw those Commie b*****ds,they come over here picking our soft fruit and then expect to have a say. I blame Lech Walesa. Where was I, oh yes, while it is factually correct to say that all Conservatives are vile little slugs with breath like an autopsy I think we should concentrate on policy. In a recent survey 11 out of 10 women said they prefer Labour because they are worth it. And don`t worry about Gordon, I know a couple of geezers from Glasgow, sorted.
Me: Do you think the war in Iraq has harmed this country?
AD: Yes you are absolutely right that Saddam Hussein had several outstanding parking tickets which totally justify the inva...liberation of Iraq and he was card carrying Liberal Democrat. Lets not forget,a vote for the Lib Dems will allow the Ba`ath Party to have their wicked way with your children. And I think we all like having cheap oil. So whats the problem?
Me: You eloquently put a very convincing case darling. Anything else you would like to share with my readers?
AD: People read your crap? Well I really cannot comment on rumours that David Cameron is a vacuous whistling anus and that all Liberal Democrats are sexual deviants who smell of urine, that is for the voters to decide. But what I can say is that if you don`t vote Labour we are all ***cked.
Me: Thanks so much darling, very enlightening. Think we`ll have to end there before OffBlog close me down.
So there you have it. Now you have the full picture it is up to you to choose New Labour and who could blame you.
Tuesday 6 April 2010
Jump on a Passing Liberal Democart
As promised here is the second handy guide to what the parties have to offer in the forthcoming UK General Election. Today it is the turn of the Liberal Democrats.
Top Pledges
1. Be totally cross our hearts and hope to die consistent, clear and tell it like it is. We will simply not promise anything to anyone anytime anywhere.
2. More police
3. Cut police budget to fund tree hugging
4. Cut down trees to help world peace
5. World peace except if we need to go to war to get world peace
7. The number six to be banned as this is offensive to non Christians
8. Campaign for the reintroduction of the number 6
6. A fully costed pledge not to giggle when we talk about being a realistic political choice rather than a wasted vote.
2.Improve the teaching of mathematics
9.More police again
7.Improve care for those suffering with dementia
7.Improve care for those suffering with dementia
1.Compulsory candy floss clouds and lemonade rivers
9.We will not tolerate intolerance
10. Ummmmmm
11. Support our troops
12. Undermine our troops
44. More neighbourhood watch schemes so that we can spot a populist bandwagon and jump on it
1. Everyone to have their cake and eat it
If the Lib Dems form the next government, stop it, it is widely predicted that Vince Cable will fill every cabinet position. The Lib Dem leader, old whatisname, is widely tipped to run in the 4.15 at Wincanton.
So there you have it. And remember, the Lib Dems are a serious force in modern British politics. Stop giggling at the back.
Top Pledges
1. Be totally cross our hearts and hope to die consistent, clear and tell it like it is. We will simply not promise anything to anyone anytime anywhere.
2. More police
3. Cut police budget to fund tree hugging
4. Cut down trees to help world peace
5. World peace except if we need to go to war to get world peace
7. The number six to be banned as this is offensive to non Christians
8. Campaign for the reintroduction of the number 6
6. A fully costed pledge not to giggle when we talk about being a realistic political choice rather than a wasted vote.
2.Improve the teaching of mathematics
9.More police again
7.Improve care for those suffering with dementia
7.Improve care for those suffering with dementia
1.Compulsory candy floss clouds and lemonade rivers
9.We will not tolerate intolerance
10. Ummmmmm
11. Support our troops
12. Undermine our troops
44. More neighbourhood watch schemes so that we can spot a populist bandwagon and jump on it
1. Everyone to have their cake and eat it
If the Lib Dems form the next government, stop it, it is widely predicted that Vince Cable will fill every cabinet position. The Lib Dem leader, old whatisname, is widely tipped to run in the 4.15 at Wincanton.
So there you have it. And remember, the Lib Dems are a serious force in modern British politics. Stop giggling at the back.
Game On
And so it begins. Given my vast experience in British politics I am able to give you a unique insight into what is happening today. Well, this morning the British Prime Minister caught the number 37 bus to Buckingham Palace to see the Queen. Assuming she was in, she has pilates on a Tuesday morning, the Queen will have offered the Prime Minister the traditional meal of Vimto and Eccles cake.
The Queen will then have challenged the Prime Minister to a game of Top Trumps. Mr Brown will of course have let Her Lizness win as dictated by royal protocol. He will then have let the Queen`s Equery clean the corgi sh*t off his shoes and have asked Her Maj if she minds awfully if he calls a General Election. So now it is game on and gloves off.
Living on a mountain in Switzerland it has been quite hard to keep up with political news. I do listen regularly to Radio GaGa , although the reception is somewhat erratic. So, based on what I think I have been able to pick out from in between the static, I have decided to give you a head start in deciding which party to vote for and have prepared a handy guide.
Today it is a handy guide to the Conservative Party.
Top Pledges
1. Cut Taxis. This is utter madness in my humble opinion. As anyone who has ever tried to get a taxi on a Friday evening will tell you. We need more taxis not fewer. If this goes ahead it will jeopardise the fragile economic recovery as pubs,kebab shops and lap dancing clubs will be forced to shut down through lack of punters.
2. Tax Breaks for married couples. As I understand it, stressed couples will be able to get away from it all for a long weekend in Belize with their host and possible British tax payer Lord Ashcroft. Married couples will be able to open off shore accounts and get unlimited duty free fags and booze as well as the chance to win non dom status.
3. NHS ring fenced. This means no one will be able to get into or out of the hospitals. After a few months starved of funds the patients and NHS unions will be forced into surrender. BUPA can then take over.
4. Caps for Immigrants- fashionable headgear designed by SamCam will be compulsory for all Johnny Foreigners. This will make them easy to spot and allow insults and rotten fruit to be thrown at them. This will boost the British fruit industry.
5. Fox hunting to be compulsory in all primary schools. In rural areas where foxes have already been wiped out schools will have the flexibility to hound homosexuals out of bed and breakfast accomodation instead.
6. The Conservative Party is committed to keeping Britain out of the Eurovision Song Contest. In this they have the support of the ultra right wing Polish and Latvian Nice Party. No question of judgement here then.
7. Waste will be targeted throughout government. Quangos, Tango, Spangles and Mangoes will all be banished. Civil servants will be retrained as domestic servants to serve in big country houses.
Early indications are that key positions in a Tory government would be given to the following people:
Kirsty Allsop- Minister for the Home Counties with special resonsibility for Braying Horsey Types, Patronisation and City Crash Pad building on a massive scale.
Carol Vorderman- Minister for Minor Celebrities With No Real Talent and Very High Opinions of Themselves
Simon Cowell- Employment Minister: Ensuring Britain keeps it`s position in this high tech world by promoting show biz as a realistic career option for our deluded youth
Ant and Dec- Our Man in Washington.
Multi Billionaire Zac Goldsmith- Minister for the Poor and Unwashed
Remember you heard it here first. Tomorrow the Lib Dems.
The Queen will then have challenged the Prime Minister to a game of Top Trumps. Mr Brown will of course have let Her Lizness win as dictated by royal protocol. He will then have let the Queen`s Equery clean the corgi sh*t off his shoes and have asked Her Maj if she minds awfully if he calls a General Election. So now it is game on and gloves off.
Living on a mountain in Switzerland it has been quite hard to keep up with political news. I do listen regularly to Radio GaGa , although the reception is somewhat erratic. So, based on what I think I have been able to pick out from in between the static, I have decided to give you a head start in deciding which party to vote for and have prepared a handy guide.
Today it is a handy guide to the Conservative Party.
Top Pledges
1. Cut Taxis. This is utter madness in my humble opinion. As anyone who has ever tried to get a taxi on a Friday evening will tell you. We need more taxis not fewer. If this goes ahead it will jeopardise the fragile economic recovery as pubs,kebab shops and lap dancing clubs will be forced to shut down through lack of punters.
2. Tax Breaks for married couples. As I understand it, stressed couples will be able to get away from it all for a long weekend in Belize with their host and possible British tax payer Lord Ashcroft. Married couples will be able to open off shore accounts and get unlimited duty free fags and booze as well as the chance to win non dom status.
3. NHS ring fenced. This means no one will be able to get into or out of the hospitals. After a few months starved of funds the patients and NHS unions will be forced into surrender. BUPA can then take over.
4. Caps for Immigrants- fashionable headgear designed by SamCam will be compulsory for all Johnny Foreigners. This will make them easy to spot and allow insults and rotten fruit to be thrown at them. This will boost the British fruit industry.
5. Fox hunting to be compulsory in all primary schools. In rural areas where foxes have already been wiped out schools will have the flexibility to hound homosexuals out of bed and breakfast accomodation instead.
6. The Conservative Party is committed to keeping Britain out of the Eurovision Song Contest. In this they have the support of the ultra right wing Polish and Latvian Nice Party. No question of judgement here then.
7. Waste will be targeted throughout government. Quangos, Tango, Spangles and Mangoes will all be banished. Civil servants will be retrained as domestic servants to serve in big country houses.
Early indications are that key positions in a Tory government would be given to the following people:
Kirsty Allsop- Minister for the Home Counties with special resonsibility for Braying Horsey Types, Patronisation and City Crash Pad building on a massive scale.
Carol Vorderman- Minister for Minor Celebrities With No Real Talent and Very High Opinions of Themselves
Simon Cowell- Employment Minister: Ensuring Britain keeps it`s position in this high tech world by promoting show biz as a realistic career option for our deluded youth
Ant and Dec- Our Man in Washington.
Multi Billionaire Zac Goldsmith- Minister for the Poor and Unwashed
Remember you heard it here first. Tomorrow the Lib Dems.
Thursday 1 April 2010
Easter Bunnies and a Rampant Rabbit
I spent this morning pottering around in the garden. Not through choice, I simply couldn`t find my house keys. Oh how I enjoyed the snow. Snow!. Its April the effing first and it is still snowing.
Anyway, to kill time I decided to prune the wife`s bush. Just as I was about to set about it with my trusty Swiss Army knife the daughter yelled April Fool! and produced the keys. How we laughed. She has her mother`s sense of humour. Does anyone know how easy it is to give children up for adoption?.
More developments in the strange case of the feuding Daughters of the American Revolution gang. As you may know they have ruptured because of ideological differences. A group consisting of mainly erstwhile lawyers want to resume work, they are now known as the "Daughters in Law". They hate the stay at home Daughter/mothers who think working mothers are super abusers. This group now style themselves as the "Don`t-Oughtas". Confusing I know.
To add to the confusion there is now a sub fissure between the two leading "Don`t-Oughtas". Accusations are being hurled around that involve a trip to the Accident and Emergency Department, a steak and kidney pudding and a Rampant Rabbit. Your guess is as good as mine.
The upshot, total chaos. The natural order has been turned on its head. There are no-go play dates, kids are napping rather than playing with the enemy and some have witnessed drive by ignorings. On the plus side the splinter groups are now so small that I am suddenly in demand. Whereas before I was as welcome in most households as a case of swine flu I am now invited into, and schmoozed in, the Street`s most fragrant salons. The hob nobs are munched as poison is slowly dripped into my ear. There`s nowt as queer as folk.
Moving on. Thanks to those who have given feedback on the blog. I love you. Have smashing Easters.
Anyway, to kill time I decided to prune the wife`s bush. Just as I was about to set about it with my trusty Swiss Army knife the daughter yelled April Fool! and produced the keys. How we laughed. She has her mother`s sense of humour. Does anyone know how easy it is to give children up for adoption?.
More developments in the strange case of the feuding Daughters of the American Revolution gang. As you may know they have ruptured because of ideological differences. A group consisting of mainly erstwhile lawyers want to resume work, they are now known as the "Daughters in Law". They hate the stay at home Daughter/mothers who think working mothers are super abusers. This group now style themselves as the "Don`t-Oughtas". Confusing I know.
To add to the confusion there is now a sub fissure between the two leading "Don`t-Oughtas". Accusations are being hurled around that involve a trip to the Accident and Emergency Department, a steak and kidney pudding and a Rampant Rabbit. Your guess is as good as mine.
The upshot, total chaos. The natural order has been turned on its head. There are no-go play dates, kids are napping rather than playing with the enemy and some have witnessed drive by ignorings. On the plus side the splinter groups are now so small that I am suddenly in demand. Whereas before I was as welcome in most households as a case of swine flu I am now invited into, and schmoozed in, the Street`s most fragrant salons. The hob nobs are munched as poison is slowly dripped into my ear. There`s nowt as queer as folk.
Moving on. Thanks to those who have given feedback on the blog. I love you. Have smashing Easters.
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