Oh darling !

Sorry I was ill yesterday, bubonic space flu. A little better today thanks for asking. Anyway, despite being as high as a kite on flu medication I have dragged myself to the keyboard in order that you can get the final handy guide to help you decide to vote New Labour. See how much you mean to me.

As you may know I used to work very closely with Alistair Darling, the current Chancellor of the Exchequer. While we never became lovers there was some inappropriate touching around the Copenhagen Summit.

Anyway, Alistair agreed to be interviewed by me for your benefit. What follows is, to the best of my drug addled memory, an almost verbatim transcript of our romantic candle lit telephone chat.

Me: Hello, is that you darling?

AD: Who the f**k is this?. I`m in the effing sauna!

Me: Its me, stud muffin

AD: Oh its you. How`s it hangin?

Me: Now darling, we said we would never mention that little episode again. I just wanted to ask you why people should vote Labour in the next election. Whaddya think?

AD: Balls!

Me: Well really!

AD: Sorry, Ed Balls just came into the sauna in a state of psephological arousal and suggested we agree to get down and dirty on each others elections. I said no cos I have my freakin consultation period and it just wouldn`t be right. That little ***t is gagging to get his hands on my portfolio, I just know it. Anyway, I gave him a Glasgow kiss and he`s unconscious now.

Me: Thats wonderful Big Al. But this is a family blog that goes out before the 9pm watershed so try to keep it clean won`t you.Ok. First question. Why should people trust you to run the economy?

AD: Yes you are right that David Cameron and George Osborne, or Zippy and Bungle as Mrs Darling calls them, are totally clueless bed wetters. In a recent survey 9 out of 10 cats say that they preferred Labour to the Tories. As for those little weasels the Liberal Democrats it is a fact that 94.7% are kiddy fiddlers. So this election will be about policy and not personalities and I think the choice is clear.

Me: Right..what about the Prime Minister, the polls say he something of an electoral liablity?

AD: Screw those Commie b*****ds,they come over here picking our soft fruit and then expect to have a say. I blame Lech Walesa. Where was I, oh yes, while it is factually correct to say that all Conservatives are vile little slugs with breath like an autopsy I think we should concentrate on policy. In a recent survey 11 out of 10 women said they prefer Labour because they are worth it. And don`t worry about Gordon, I know a couple of geezers from Glasgow, sorted.

Me: Do you think the war in Iraq has harmed this country?

AD: Yes you are absolutely right that Saddam Hussein had several outstanding parking tickets which totally justify the inva...liberation of Iraq and he was card carrying Liberal Democrat. Lets not forget,a vote for the Lib Dems will allow the Ba`ath Party to have their wicked way with your children. And I think we all like having cheap oil. So whats the problem?

Me: You eloquently put a very convincing case darling. Anything else you would like to share with my readers?

AD: People read your crap? Well I really cannot comment on rumours that David Cameron is a vacuous whistling anus and that all Liberal Democrats are sexual deviants who smell of urine, that is for the voters to decide. But what I can say is that if you don`t vote Labour we are all ***cked.

Me: Thanks so much darling, very enlightening. Think we`ll have to end there before OffBlog close me down.

So there you have it. Now you have the full picture it is up to you to choose New Labour and who could blame you.