Game On

And so it begins. Given my vast experience in British politics I am able to give you a unique insight into what is happening today. Well, this morning the British Prime Minister caught the number 37 bus to Buckingham Palace to see the Queen. Assuming she was in, she has pilates on a Tuesday morning, the Queen will have offered the Prime Minister the traditional meal of Vimto and Eccles cake.

The Queen will then have challenged the Prime Minister to a game of Top Trumps. Mr Brown will of course have let Her Lizness win as dictated by royal protocol. He will then have let the Queen`s Equery clean the corgi sh*t off his shoes and have asked Her Maj if she minds awfully if he calls a General Election. So now it is game on and gloves off.

Living on a mountain in Switzerland it has been quite hard to keep up with political news. I do listen regularly to Radio GaGa , although the reception is somewhat erratic. So, based on what I think I have been able to pick out from in between the static, I have decided to give you a head start in deciding which party to vote for and have prepared a handy guide.

Today it is a handy guide to the Conservative Party.

Top Pledges

1. Cut Taxis. This is utter madness in my humble opinion. As anyone who has ever tried to get a taxi on a Friday evening will tell you. We need more taxis not fewer. If this goes ahead it will jeopardise the fragile economic recovery as pubs,kebab shops and lap dancing clubs will be forced to shut down through lack of punters.

2. Tax Breaks for married couples. As I understand it, stressed couples will be able to get away from it all for a long weekend in Belize with their host and possible British tax payer Lord Ashcroft. Married couples will be able to open off shore accounts and get unlimited duty free fags and booze as well as the chance to win non dom status.

3. NHS ring fenced. This means no one will be able to get into or out of the hospitals. After a few months starved of funds the patients and NHS unions will be forced into surrender. BUPA can then take over.

4. Caps for Immigrants- fashionable headgear designed by SamCam will be compulsory for all Johnny Foreigners. This will make them easy to spot and allow insults and rotten fruit to be thrown at them. This will boost the British fruit industry.

5. Fox hunting to be compulsory in all primary schools. In rural areas where foxes have already been wiped out schools will have the flexibility to hound homosexuals out of bed and breakfast accomodation instead.

6. The Conservative Party is committed to keeping Britain out of the Eurovision Song Contest. In this they have the support of the ultra right wing Polish and Latvian Nice Party. No question of judgement here then.

7. Waste will be targeted throughout government. Quangos, Tango, Spangles and Mangoes will all be banished. Civil servants will be retrained as domestic servants to serve in big country houses.

Early indications are that key positions in a Tory government would be given to the following people:

Kirsty Allsop- Minister for the Home Counties with special resonsibility for Braying Horsey Types, Patronisation and City Crash Pad building on a massive scale.

Carol Vorderman- Minister for Minor Celebrities With No Real Talent and Very High Opinions of Themselves

Simon Cowell- Employment Minister: Ensuring Britain keeps it`s position in this high tech world by promoting show biz as a realistic career option for our deluded youth

Ant and Dec- Our Man in Washington.

Multi Billionaire Zac Goldsmith- Minister for the Poor and Unwashed

Remember you heard it here first. Tomorrow the Lib Dems.