Know Thy Enemy

Last week I decided it was time to integrate with the local Sunnymountain Street Mothers Mafia. If you can't beat em, invite them round for a coffee morning. Invites were issued to the top five movers and shakers.

I cleaned the house, read a month old copy of Heat magazine for small talk purposes, ironed my best cravat, bought five packets of chocolate biscuits and put the coffee on. Then I waited, and waited, and waited. By 10.30 I realised no one was coming. The whole experience has left me feeling sick to the stomach, mainly because I ate all the choccy biscuits while waiting. My social isolation is now complete and I have put on 2 kilos.

Well, if they want a war a war is what they will get! Operating on the principle of know your enemy I decided to do some research before I strike. I found the wife's copy of "The Female Brain". It's quite thick.

But what an interesting read it is proving to be. Did you know that the hippocampus is not an ancient type of Roman fat camp but rather the brain's seat of learning and memory? Or that every brain starts off as female and only becomes male 8 weeks after conception, usually coinciding with the start of the football season and the release of excess testosterone that shrinks the communication centre and reduces hearing?

Its all to do with hormones apparently. Estrogen, Progesterone, Manoloblahniksale, Cortisol, Jomalonebuyonegetonefreeosol, Androstenedione and Allopregnenolone to name but a few.

These flood women's brains every few days and, to quote the book " their influence can be said to create a woman's reality...which is not as constant as a man's. His reality is like a mountain that is worn away imperceptibly by glaciers, weather and tectonic movements. Hers is more like the weather itself- constantly changing and hard to predict". Oh great! Even highly paid BBC meteorologists can't get the weather right, what chance do I stand.

I'm off to have a lie down and rest my hippocampus.