A Trip Around the Block

Everyone has a novel inside them as I believe someone once said. Since becoming a full time stay a home dad several people, all without kids, have suggested that I use my new found freedom (they really have no idea) to write. Good idea you may think, and so did I at first. I have always enjoyed writing and can spin a yarn as well as the next ex government press officer, or so I thought. I decided to start a novel. Well, days turned into weeks, weeks into months and still I have not managed to put pen to paper. I know I have a novel inside me but I just cannot find it.

Recognising that you have a problem is the first step to overcoming it, so I sought the advice of my trusted inner circle. My wife suggested that it was all due to the early onset of senile dementia and my daughter recommended that I write about princesses. As much as I love them both I dismissed their ideas out of hand and turned to a writer friend of mine who said I had a classic case of writers block. That came as something of a relief as the senile dementia idea was starting to seem strangely plausible.

Armed with my diagnosis I decided to learn more about my condition. Google informed me I was not alone. The world seems to be full of people offering advice (usually for $19.99 plus postage) on how to beat writers block.

After pulling together the top ten tips to beat the block I decided to test their effectiveness. I did it for all of you out there struggling to be the next JK Rowling and who at present don't have a Hogwarts to show for it. I will now take you through the top ten tips, my observations and the results/conclusions.

Tip 1- Talk to the monkey- that is, explain what you are really trying to say to a stuffed animal.

I wasn't really sure about this one but in for penny in for a pound. Getting along quite well until my 5 year old daughter and her friends walked in and asked if they could play too. Result/Conclusion: Could be ueful to focus the mind but make sure the house is empty first. The look of pity in my daughter's eyes will live with me until the day I die.

Tip 2- Do something easy- is there a small part of the project you could finish quickly that could move things forward.

I decided to practice my new signature for the much anticipated book launch. Result/Conclusion: I developed a Repetitive Strain Injury and becuase I like my new signature so much I will have to write to the bank and utility companies to update their records.

Tip 3- Freewriting- write anything for an arbitrary period, say 10 minutes. Don't stop, no matter even if you know what you're typing is gibberish. Get your hand moving and your brain will follow.

I discovered that I can write fluent gibberish. It is a good way to kill time and I think I had some good ideas. Result/Conclusion: Intend to spend the next month trying to decipher text to find the good ideas.

Tip 4- Take the dog for a walk- get out of your writing brain for 10 minutes.

I don't have a dog so I took my daughter instead. Result/Conclusion: Really helped clear my mind and my daughter will now fetch sticks that I throw.

Tip 5- Take a shower, change clothes,write from a new persona. Get a truly clean start, lend your voice to a personality who isn't you to see things from a new perspective.

Toying with the idea of writing a spy novel. Decide to write from a James Bond point of view. Result/Conclusion: Writing in a tuxedo is uncomfortable and those Martinis really knock you out.

Tip 6- Write someplace new- if you have been staring at the screen and nothing is happening walk away. Shut down the computer, get a pen and paper and go somewhere new.

Decide to lie on the bed to write after those dry Martinis (see above) Result/ Conclusion: Awoke feeling refreshed and ready to go.

Tip 7- Quit beating yourself up. You can't write when you feel under pressure. Focus on poistive outcomes.

Tried to go into a Zen like state. Result/Conclusion: Feeling very positive but I think I may now have a hangover (see 5&6 above).

Tip 8- Add one ritual behaviour- get a glass of water every 20 minutes. Eat a Tootsie Roll after every paragraph.

Spend an hour touring the local shops asking if they have Tootsie Rolls. No luck. I think this might have come from an American website. The water is doing wonders for my hangover though. Result/Conclusion: Totally rehydrated

Tip 9- Listen to music- put it on repeat until your draft is done.

Put on my Best of the Smiths CD that I got for my birthday. Result/Conclusion: Heaven knows I'm miserable now.

Tip 10- Write the middle bit or the title. Accept that your first draft will suck and just finish something A block ends when you start putting words on a page.

I feel a little intimidated now. These tips are very challenging and if I knew what I wanted to write I would have done it by now. Result/ Conclusion: this tip is rubbish. I am a sensitive and creative soul and no amount of threats are going to work on me sunshine.

If you are thinking about writing then I hope the above will help you remove any unwanted blockages. As for me, well I have decided to keep my novel safely inside me where it appears to be very happy. However, I am thinking about writing an Idiots Guide to Beating the Block, available soon at all good booksellers priced $19.99 plus postage.