Children are Unbeatable

This morning I met up with Reg Hitler, who, by a cruel twist of fate, is the street`s resident Communist. Reg is a well known activist and is manna from heaven for the local newspaper headline writers because of his surname. Recent examples include "Hitler is a Stalinist" (he advocates gulags for bankers) "Hitler Rear Ends Elderly Gay Couple" ( Reg drove into the back of a car belonging to the street`s official homosexuals, Butch and Sundance) and "Hitler Only Wants One Ball". (Reg complained about filthy rich bankers staging too many glitzy black tie events this Christmas).



Anyway, I met up with Reg and his life partner Polly Glot at their eco friendly house for coffee. They are typical middle class lefties and so I had to wait for an eternity while Polly ground the Guatemalan Free Trade Eco Lentil Mung Bean No Harm to Anything coffee beans. She does this with a hand grinder. It took so long I was getting a caffeine withdrawal headache. Finally, Polly put the kettle on and I got my coffee. And it tasted awful.



I bet there is some Guatemalan coffee farmer driving a big BMW and laughing all the way to the bank. Just because he doesn`t use deodorant he can claim that his mixture of mud, bark and bat droppings is sustainable eco coffee and sell it at a premium to gullible western ecohippies. Everything in Reg and Poly`s house is sustainable, with the exception of Reg`s erection, which is why they are attending couples therapy at the moment. But that is another story and I am not one to gossip.


As I pretended to sip the foul brew conversation turned to the subject of beating children. I said I had read an article that stated children who are smacked when naughty grow up to be well adjusted and more valuable members of society than those that aren`t. Polly wasn`t having any of this and proceeded to drone on for half an hour about the military industrial complex, human rights and something about bondage and marmite. I must admit I wasn`t really paying attention. I was watching Reg and Polly`s 4 year old daughter, Chlamydia, as she took a screw driver to Polly`s Brotherhood of Man CD. Chlamydia has a reputation around here as the spawn of Satan.

"Don`t do that to mummy`s favourite CD please darling" said Polly. Did she pay attention? I think you can guess. After she had finished carving 666 on the CD, dear sweet little Chlamydia then proceeded to stab the cat and her mother with the screw driver, scream like a banshee when put on the naughty step and then throw the coffee pot from the table on to the very expensive sustainable Peruvian folk art rug. We discovered that it was infact a stainable Peruvian folk art rug. I must admit I was glad about the coffee pot as I was coming dangerously close to being offered another cup.

I decided to leave when Reg and Polly started to cry from stress, passing Chlamydia on the way out as she set fire to the family dream catcher. Bless her.