In a Tights Spot

Off to the supermarket to buy the wife more tights. What the hell does she get up to to get through so many pairs is what I want to know, but probably never will. Anyway, as luck would have it the ladies underwear aisle was empty. Unheard of! I couldn`t believe my luck. In I went, secured the targets and moved away to the relative safety of soft furnishings.



Flushed with success I moved with confidence to the cashier. I then remembered that I had a money off voucher. Arriving at an empty check out (too good to be true) I whipped out the token, presented the cashier with my feminine fripperies and said I would like to use the token. Then things started to go wrong, badly wrong.



The cashier, took the voucher, looked at it, turned it, held it up to the light, bit it and shook her head. "I don`t think I can accept this, but let me just check" she said. In a milisecond I realised what was about to happen. In bullet time slow motion I saw her open her mouth. For a nanosecond I considered beating her unconscious with a family fun sized Toblerone from the impulse buy display, but I was not fast enough.

She called out to the cashier next to her, in a booming voice honed down the generations by yodelling and Swiss inter valley shouting competitions. "Ermintrude, can we take vouchers for super slinky 20 denier deluxe women`s tights?. This er, gentleman, is asking".

Ermintrude (I know!, Magic Roundabout) took the voucher, scanned it then called to her neighbouring cashier, a woman called Grit. And so the process went on, four cashiers were consulted, four lines of shoppers listened in, glancing my way with distaste. I was mortified.

To make matters worse my check out was now filling up. Directly behind me were four builders, not your average builders, oh no, but the sort that can spit rivets through sheet metal and consider cage fighting somewhat effeminate. After 5 minutes it was decided the voucher was not valid, by that stage I could not have cared less. Oh why did I try to save money, never again, the humilation. I now have to find a new supermarket, I simply cannot bear the shame of going back there.

Crying most of the way home I stopped briefly to look at the village noticeboard which is actually the underpass where the locals spray paint and write very interesting locally focused news. This being Switzerland it is repainted every few weeks thus ensuring the news is always bang up to date.

A quick reading revealed that the local urchins wanted to inflict a wide and imaginative variety of sex acts upon a local police constable and that Shaz has a weight problem and is quite free with her favours.

One posting caught my eye. A girl called Bambi will do anything for 50 Swiss Francs, very reasonable. I have been having problems with a blocked U bend recently so I took down her number and will see if she can help me clean out my pipes. Will let you know how I get on. Have lovely weekends.