It`s a Bull Market

Housekeeping first: In the previous post I wrote that the wife likes my new goatee beard and that she compared me to Johnny Depp. Her lawyers, Messrs Gettum Inn and Fleecum, have asked that the following clarification be made public.



"Our client wishes to express in the strongest terms possible that she hates the aforemetioned goatee and that she did not compare the author favourably with Mr Depp. What she stated quite clearly was that even Mr Depp did not look good with a goatee. If the author does not shave that damn thing off our client will be forced to withdraw from the marriage forthwith".



What can I say, I`m heart broken. Moving on, I have had complaints about yesterday`s exposé of the seemy underbelly of alpha male banker activity post bonus involving east european hookers, gym slips and warm custard.



One female banker correspondent, who goes under the pseudonym "Filthy Lucrezia", pointed out that women also get obscene bonuses. Quite right too, mea culpa.



So I decided to explore what female bankers get up to with their big bang bonuses. Of course we all know about what they get up to with Botox, Blaniks and Bimboys, but what else can the loaded girl about town splash her cash on?.



Exotic beauty products and treatments were an obvious angle to explore. Following a tip off from my correspondent I investigated the latest en vogue treatments available. I just wish I hadn`t.



The first treatment I found is called a Geisha Facial. This sounded interesting and I was ready to phone the local brothel to book myself in. Thank goodness I didn`t. The Geisha facial is where you have nightingale droppings rubbed into your face. Yes thats right, you pay money to have bird shit rubbed on your face. Apparently this originated in Japan because Geishas had trouble removing the thick white makeup. One day someone had the inspiration to rub nightingale dodo all over her face just to see what happened. I am speechless.



I thought this was as low as it could get, but oh no. The next treatment I found was Bull Semen Hair Treatment. I know!



My research told me that the idea came (forgive me) to Katherine and Hari Salem, who own and run a hair salon, over dinner with friends. Now I have been to some pretty rum partys in my time but I can honestly say the subject of bull semen was always considered beyond the pale, because its difficult to catch in a bucket I assume.



Anyway, as luck(?) would have it, at this party there was a cow cum pusher?, puller? tugger? whatever the correct terminology is. He agreed to pimp his cows and so the treatment was born. Apparently, the sperm is applied to freshly washed hair, massaged in and left for 30 minutes and is a best seller. It leaves the hair soft and bouncy but not lank and flaccid, which I guarentee is more than you can say for the bulls.



I cannot help thinking that you could achieve the same effect at a fraction of the cost by hiring out a pantomime cow costume, wearing it back to front in a farmer`s field and looking available and Viola!. Women scare me.