Spanx for the Memories

It is snowing again. I am getting fed up with it, it`s so depressing. I am experiencing frequent black dog moments. His name is Felix, the neighbour`s labrador. The bloody dog barks everytime someone moves, which makes it socially awkward for me when I am trying to secretly tip garden waste over the neighbours hedge rather than take it to the dump. I believe Winston Churchill had a similar problem.

Anyway, bumped into Reg Hitler and Polly Glot this morning. They were struggling up the snowy hill carrying shopping bags. This is very unusual as, despite being eco hippy save the plant mung bean freaks, they drive everywhere. Reg told me that their car, a Toyota Pius, has been recalled for safety checks, something to do with sticky brakes. I said they were probably sticky with chicken blood because their charming little Chlamydia likes biting the heads off poultry and small rodents just for fun. No you are right, I didn`t actually say that, just thought it.

Then I remembered that they have a second car, Polly drives a little Renault Clitoris. It turned out that this too is out of action as darling little Chlamydia had hidden the keys and is refusing to divulge their location. Bless her. Polly then droned on about how well Chlamydia was settling down in the local Borstal Secure Unit after being "totally victimised and unfairly" asked to leave her previous school for throwing classmates from the dual carriageway overpass and gluing others to trees. Polly, bless her, is fluent in four languages and interesting in none.

Then Polly`s shopping bag split and everything tumbled into the snow. I helped them gather up the shopping. I picked up a package labelled Spanx. "What`s this?" I asked. Polly went red and pale at the same time, not pleasant, and, gathering up the shopping rushed off home. I told Reg that I didn`t mean to offend, well not this time anyway. He said not to worry and that Polly was a little self conscious about using Spanx. "Yes, but what the hell are Spanx?" I asked.

It turns out that they are compression under garments that make women look a lot slimmer than they actually are. All the rage on the street Reg informed me. Well,you live and learn. That certainly explains the bulging necks and calves I have noticed on the street recently. I had always put it down to water retention or gas. But apparently no, these women are being squeezed like a tube of Pàte, it is not surprising that with so many pounds per square inch of pressure a certain amount of ballooning overspill takes place. But my goodness, if that was what Polly looks like while wearing Spanx I do not want to be a fly on the wall at bedtime. Imagine the pressure build up during the day, it would be like releasing a tsunami. She would need at least 2 metres clearance before she pulled the rip cord to release the garment. Doesn`t bear thinking about.

I know, I know it is very easy to mock, that`s why I do it. I wonder if they do Spanx for men. Off for a quick Google.