Cry Havoc and Let Slip the Dogs

And so it begins, my annual battle with dogs. Don`t get me wrong, I quite like dogs. It is the small minority of irresponsible dog owners that I have problems with. Recently a dog has been coming into my garden, digging up the bulbs and using the lawn as an al fresco toilet. I identified the dog`s owner as Shiela, the Street`s resident dyslexic atheist. Entering her garden I noticed a sign saying "Beware of the God", was this the dyslexic or atheist in her I wondered.

Anyway, I explained to Shiela as nicely as I could that I wasn`t happy. Her response was that it was only natural for dogs to roam around and do what came naturally. I said very well then, in that case every time the daughter wanted to take a dump I would bring her round and let her loose in Shiela`s garden. After all it is only natural for kids to roam around and do what comes naturally. Bingo. She was speechless.

Triumphant, I decided to make the most of the warm weather and take the bicycle out for the first spin of 2010. I had forgotten that the route into town is infested by dog walkers. Picking my way gingerly through the throng I finally hit an open stretch with no dogs in sight. Whistling a merry tune I was bowling along when suddenly out of the undergrowth a dog swerved out in front of me. I slammed on the breaks.The dog bounded up and started to jump up and lick me. I must say he was a very nice dog but I was annoyed that I had nearly had an accident. Seconds later an old man in a dirty old mac shuffled out of the trees and ambled up to us. "He likes you" said the owner. "Be that as it may my good man" I said, "You should have him on a lead, we nearly had a nasty accident". "Oh he is only doing what dogs like to do " said dirty old mac man.

Well, those words were like a red rag to a bull. Almost the same excuse I had received from Shiela this morning. I decided to apply a similar retort to the one I had so successfully used on Shiela.

"How would you like it if my young daughter leapt out of the bushes at you, panting and jumping all over you and nuzzling your crotch, eh?" I said. By the strange look that came over dirty old mac`s face I realised that he would like it very much. Mmmm, so this line of attack doesn`t always work. Sicko.

Giving him my best tut and roll of the eyes I pressed down on the pedals to make a dignified exit. My gears slipped and I came crashing down on the crossbar. "Oh that must have hurt" said dirty old mac man. It did. I still have tears in my eyes. Must go for a lie down with a cold compress. I think we might have to get a dog as I don`t think I can father any more children now.