Nummies Au Naturel

Waking early on Sunday I saw that the glacier in my garden had started to recede. The small family group of itinerant Sami reindeer herders who had been living by the shed had packed up and headed north. I will miss those evenings by the fire but I found the Lapp dance I was given very disappointing. I wonder if reindeer crap is good for roses?.

Could this be the start of spring?. Listening hard I could just make out the sound of the birds coughing down by the chemical factory, and lo, was that the unmistakable first flush of spring down at the playground, milk laden breasts bursting through nursing bras and into the life giving sun, signalling the start of this year`s al fresco feeding frenzy?.

After our traditional Sunday morning breakfast of whatever is left over from Saturday night I agreed to let the daughter go down to the playground. When I woke up again after a couple of hours I decided to go and check that she was ok.

The playground was infested with tots and mothers. Oddly, members of the rival gangs, the Sunny Mountain Street Mothers Mafia and the Daughters of the American Revolution seemed to be getting along well and talking animatedly about something. As I approached it all went quiet and the botox brigade turned my way as one. I didn`t think it was possible to frown disapprovingly after poisoning your own face.

"Hi" I said, stubbing out my Capston Cork Tip. " Just come to see if everything is ok. You cannot be too careful these days. There may be Catholic priests in the area".

That didn`t go down well and you could have heard a baby drop, which it did, but that was not my fault. There appears to be a nest of Papists that I was hitherto unaware of. Even the Hindus,Protestants and other assorted God botherers seemed to take offence.

"How remarkable that you let your daughter come down here on her own" piped up one disgruntled runt. I recognised her, this was recent addition to the street New Dawn who moved over here with her traveling salesman husband, Non Dom. Despite being here only a short time she has risen through the ranks quickly and now heads the Daughter`s National Security Agency, monitoring potential threats to a wholesome American way of life. She has me down as a real and present danger to everything that is decent and wholesome.

Even though I have given up religion for Lent I thanked the almighty for what happened next. An older kid, must have been 6 or 7, walked up to his mother and said "I want nummies". The mother obligingly whipped out her equipment and proceed to feed the fully fledged freak.

There was a collective eeww of facial expressions and undisguised panic in the eyes of those mothers with older kids. They moved like a herd and started to shield their offspring from the sight and usher them away. So much for the sisterhood, ha, but at least the heat was off me.