Something For the Weekend

Given up the diet. I have lost 2.5 kg in 4 days but I calculated that if I carried on at this rate by 14th February I would cease to exist in any physical form. That would be inconvenient. Who cheered?! Come on own up. Have lovely weekends and normal service will resume on Monday.

SIT REP DAY 3

Weight Loss: 0.8 kg = total 1.8kg

Weather: Dangerous levels of atmospheric pollution associated with a deep depression moving up from the Azores

Bodily Reaction to Diet: As above.

Mental State: Just dandy and a little delirious

Physical Appearance: Failing eyesight means I can only see shadows in the mirror

Comments received on new skinny me: None


Well day 3 and already major organs are beginning to fail. The old brain seems to be ok though, probably because it has oodles of pristine, never before used, still in the original package capacity to absorb the punishment. I do feel very feeble and I have a strange tingling sensation on my scalp. It could be that I am stressed from lack of food or I have head lice, I just don't know. Just noticed that stressed is desserts spelled backwards. Mmmmm desserts.

I am starting to doubt the "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" maxim. I have heard that there are websites devoted to promoting/supporting anorexic lifestyles, so called ProAna sites. Sure its nice to feel good about yourself, so I am told, but how the hell do these hard core bods operate day to day. After just two and a half days my mental faculties and levels of concentration, never Premier League quality to start with, are now operating somewhere in the relegation zone of Vauxhall Conference League.

Far be it from me to criticize so I won't. Anyway, people on these sites can get quite bonkers in the nut fanatical. I don't want to upset any scrawny stick insect psychos and end up on the recieving end of a ProAna Fatwa, or should that be Thinwa? Who knows.

What else happened today. Well, the daughter is off school as they have another teacher training day. That is now 6 days off for teacher training since October! What is going on?. If this carries on we will have super brain box teachers but kids who can hardly tie their own shoe laces at age 13 cos their teachers were never there. Goodness I am grumpy.

Then swimming. The daughter can swim very well now and I am so light I could be mistaken for a pond skater or a very large cork. I hardly broke the meniscus. We did not stay long as the place was packed with pensioners. It is a fact that naked pensioners are not easy on the eye, shed dead skin and have a higher rate of leprosy than the under 44s.

I think I am delirious.

Cabbage Soup Diet Report Day 2

SITUATION REPORT DAY 2

Weight Loss- approx 1 kg, I kid you not!

Weather Conditions- Stong Winds with Heavy Dumps of Snow Overnight

Bodily Reaction to Diet- Almost the same as above

Physical Appearance- An extra from Bridge on the River Kwai

Mental State- easily distracted, inability to concentrate (reads like one of my old school reports)

Comments made about me looking super slim- None


Well the good news is I have lost 1 kg in one day, amazing!. The bad news is I am so weak I am typing this with my nose, slumped at the keyboard without the strength to lift my arms. I have just found out that if I lick the keyboard it tastes good. Must be bits of food I have dropped between the keypad in the good old days.


It has snowed heavily overnight and the daughter skipped off to school through the heavy snow. Seeing her all togged up in powder blue ski gear gave me an idea. If I dress totally in black today I will stand out against the winter wonderland background and maybe people will notice that I have lost weight and make flattering comments. Surely someone will notice.

Anyway, this morning I had to go to the supermarket on another hoisery run for the wife, one of my favourite jobs. All was going well, I was alone in the aisle about to grab the tights when I heard a voice calling my name. I looked around and it was my dear friend Charlotte the beer monster pushing her new baby. At almost the same time I felt a powerful stiring downdoors and knew that there would be an unavoidable and immenent cabbage fueled eruption.

Charlotte was upon me in seconds, she can move surprisingly quickly for a big girl, giving me the obligatory Swiss style three air kisses. After kiss number one I couldn't prevent venting and by kiss two a noxious cloud enveloped us. The mix of fermented cabbage and assorted legumes is a heady mix I can tell you.

Infact, this random vulcanicity and failing eyesight are the two main drawbacks to this diet that I have encountered so far. But I have to keep going because as Kate says, "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels". I do hope she is right cos I could murder a kebab right now.

Top Tip When On Cabbage Soup Diet- Avoid confined public spaces for the duration.

Anyway, back to the supermarket. I had to think fast as Charlotte was beginning to choke and turn puse. It came to me in a flash. I stepped back and bent over her baby buggy. "Oh isn't he cute (not true, he is a ugly little spud but needs must), but, oh dear, I think SOMEONE (eyes swivelling and slight nodding of the head back to the baby as I spoke to reinforce the point, whilst to the mother I appeared to be treating her bundle of joy as an actual sentinent being rather than the dull, drooling tub of lard he actually is. My emotional intelligence development is really coming on) really needs a nappy change" I added my best grimmace for effect.

New mothers are so gullible. Charlotte immediately started to apologise and made a swift exit. I do feel a bit sorry for framing the little chap but that's life and he had better get used to it.

I think I need to lie down now as I am feeling faint. Check in tomorrow.

Supershrink Me

Hello its me again. I was reading today about dear Kate Moss and her "nothings tastes as good as skinny feels" comment. The advice I have always given people is to eat in moderation, that way there is more left over for me. And that, I suspect, is precisely the reason that I am in my current porky pickle.

Anyway, Ms Moss is the classiest thing to have come out of South London since the Croydon facelift. Just look at these quotes and tell me she is not a wise, wise woman with whom you can identify- "the more visible they make me, the more invisible I become", as Kate approaches old age she feels for the lot of pensioners, how sage!. "A lot of horrible, unfair, untrue things have been said about me", you are not alone sister, have you met my wife?. "It's neurotic fat women who hate me- they're stupid", here, here, I have the same problems, Fat Kath take note. You go girl, tell it like it is!

Well, full of positive Kate inspired energy I decided to go to the doctors this morning to ask about my super skinny slimming options. When my turn came I walked into his office and said hello. He held up his hand and said "no, don't tell me, let me guess, I have a knack for divining what patients are here for". He looked me up and down. "I know, hair loss treatment", "No" I said involuntarily touching my once lustrous locks. " STD?" he ventured. "No" I replied feeling my positivity ebbing away. "Impotence?". Well frankly he was just fishing now, but it was a little unsettling to even be suspected of having these middle aged maladies. Middle aged, oh God, I am!.

Anyway, putting on a brave face and trying not to cry, I said "No, I want to be as slim as Kate Moss. I will try anything, even an unproven dodgy drugs, I promise I won't sue. Yes, I want to be a guinea pig".

"With those chubby little checks and the big buck teeth you're already half way there" he quipped.

What is it with doctors today? They all think they are so bloody funny. I blame House.

I gave him a piece of my mind and left him with a flea in his ear. He left me with his bill in my pocket. I have decided to go it alone. I have put up a shrine to Kate to give me inspiration and I will record my progress over the next week. You will be able to read my daily reports on this blog.

Wish me luck.

:- )

I have just experienced the unique Swiss style of boosting consumer spending in these bleak finacial times. What did they do?. Well, they simply locked us all in the shopping centre. For nearly an hour the doors would simply not open.

I must say it worked. I only went to get some new pants and came backwith a Japansese Face Slimmer, Automated Ice Cream Cone and Shri Yantra that banishes all negative vibrations and adds positive cosmic energies to my environment.

Anyway, to fill the rest of the time I read an article about Mumsnet, the influential mother's network which is not afraid to tackle the weighty issues of the day, such as what biscuits politicians like. It got me thinking, I could do that. Several ideas came to mind, but I need a niche market.

What about Fishnet- a saucy site for transvestite trawlermen, Nettnet- the online rendevous for nice Germans (look it up), Coronet- bringing lonely aritocratic heart attack victims together, Electromagnet-the premier fan site for the wealthy Amstrad entrepreneur Sir Alan Sugar, Gannet- for online gut buckets, Hairnet- a site for elderly northern spinsters looking for casual sex and, finally, Hornet, yes you are ahead of me there.

Anyway, the article said Mumsnet was such a big hit because it allows women a platform to emote, which apparently they enjoy. I had to look that up. Basically it means to express emotion, in an excessive or theatrical manner. The example used was " The more she emotes, the less he listens, the less he listens, the more strident and emotive she gets". I kid you not.

I know I probably shouldn't venture this thought, but isn't that just nagging?. Whatever, I have decided I need to emote more to attract women and homosexuals to this site. ;- ), (that was an emoticon).

So, what emotions am I feeling at the moment?. Let me give you a snapshot. Well, I am quite hungry, but I suspect that doesn't count. I am a little anxious about whether the wife will let me watch the Liverpool game this evening, and world peace. Fear, not at the moment, Anger ditto, Jealousy, mmmm not really, Love- hopefully later, and now I have run out of emotions. This emoting is quite strenuous and I am now very hungry. Its a start anyway, I have never written such an emotional blog. Now I am off to eat.

The Birds and the Baggies

Kids grow up so quickly these days. Today my daughter asked me the question that I have been dreading. "Daddy" she said as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth "which football team do you support?".

I knew we would have to talk openly and frankly about this one day, I just did not expect it to be so soon. I was really hoping that the school would deal with this. Frankly I was caught totally off guard and felt more than a little uncomfortable. How do you explain a concept like West Bromwich Albion to a five year old girl. Is it fair to burden someone so young and pure with the curse of the Baggies? I have suffered for over 40 years as a result of lack of parental guidance. My mind was in turmoil. To buy myself sometime I feigned appendicitis.

She stopped poking my lifeless body after half an hour and went downstairs to watch Charlie and Lola. I started googling to find out how to deal with this situation.

The websites that I found gave great advice. " Learning about football and succesful teams to support should be a gradual process, not a one off lesson. Let them ask questions and they will, over time, get to know what they need to know." one website said.

"Questions should be answered as they arise so that their natural curiosity is satisfied as they mature. You can begin to introduce books that approach European success and aggregate league positions over the last 40 years on a developmentally appropriate level. Parents often have trouble finding the right words to explain the off side rule but many excellent books are available to help". Well what a relief.

I decided to strike while the iron was at least luke warm. I sat the girl down and said "when mummies and daddies love each other very much they often support the same team, except for your mother who for some reason chose Aston Villa, and that is where small football supporters come from. Don't let anyone pressure you into having a team too early. If they love you they will wait. If you do start to play with boys always use protection, good quality shin pads."

Frankly by this stage she was bored. I was relieved that was over for the time being.

" What about sex?" she said

"Ask your mother" I replied.

You Snooze You Lose Choos

Today didn't start well. I was in town early because I had heard that Jimmy Choo was at H&M. I wanted to warn Mr Choo that in the wrong hands his products were potentially lethal, remember Fat Kath took a Choo to the eye, and ask him if he had any plans to bring out a size 11 slingback. Anyway, by the time I got there the place was packed with women fighting for the few remaining pairs of Choos. It was mayhem, elbows flying, pushing, swearing, eyes being scratched out, shoes clutched jealously to chests, faces contorted in a way that reminded me of Jack Nicholson when he comes through the door with an axe in The Shining. And they were just the shop assistants. I haven't been this scared since 1981 when I inadvertently walked into a gay S&M bar and asked for a fruit cocktail. I still walk with a stoop.

Finally I found a young assistant sobbing in the corner. "Please don't hurt me " she said. "Fear not high school drop out, I only want to see Mr Choo" I said. She managed to shout out above the din that Mr Choo was not here. I informed her that in that case the posters all over town were misleading as it clearly stated that Mr Choo was at H&M. "Jimmy Choo FOR H&M" she said. Pedant.

Our conversation ended abruptly as she was sucked screaming into a vortex of brawling banshees who had spotted the last remaining pair of Jimmy Choo studded platforms. I doubt she made it out in one piece. Sad, but that is the price you pay for not working hard at school.