You Snooze You Lose Choos

Today didn't start well. I was in town early because I had heard that Jimmy Choo was at H&M. I wanted to warn Mr Choo that in the wrong hands his products were potentially lethal, remember Fat Kath took a Choo to the eye, and ask him if he had any plans to bring out a size 11 slingback. Anyway, by the time I got there the place was packed with women fighting for the few remaining pairs of Choos. It was mayhem, elbows flying, pushing, swearing, eyes being scratched out, shoes clutched jealously to chests, faces contorted in a way that reminded me of Jack Nicholson when he comes through the door with an axe in The Shining. And they were just the shop assistants. I haven't been this scared since 1981 when I inadvertently walked into a gay S&M bar and asked for a fruit cocktail. I still walk with a stoop.

Finally I found a young assistant sobbing in the corner. "Please don't hurt me " she said. "Fear not high school drop out, I only want to see Mr Choo" I said. She managed to shout out above the din that Mr Choo was not here. I informed her that in that case the posters all over town were misleading as it clearly stated that Mr Choo was at H&M. "Jimmy Choo FOR H&M" she said. Pedant.

Our conversation ended abruptly as she was sucked screaming into a vortex of brawling banshees who had spotted the last remaining pair of Jimmy Choo studded platforms. I doubt she made it out in one piece. Sad, but that is the price you pay for not working hard at school.