My Day

And so the first day of the daughter's new senior class draws to a close. You remember she was bumped up a year. I haven't been this proud since I won the School Handwriting Prize in 1978. I have lived a very unaccomplished life.

Anyway, after the daughter left this morning I decided to celebrate by treating myself to some retail therapy. I read in Heat magazine that this is all the rage. I have had my eye on a rather fruity ski style zip up pullover since last Sunday. Into the shop I went and, to my horror, saw that there were only two jumpers left and two women were holding them, pawing at them infact, holding them up and checking themselves out in the mirror.

My paramilitary training immediately kicked in, I had been aide de camp to Brown Owl in the cubs, and I knew I had to somehow scare these scavengers away from MY jumper. I hovered menacingly, roughly fingering some skimpy cashmere thongs and delivering some whoopass eye contact. Finally they moved away, but with one of the jumpers. Yes, with a mans jumper! And then the woman paid for it and left the shop.

Well I was almost speechless. Why had she bought this jumper?. It was most obviously a manly mans jumper. Or was it?. Now I wasn't sure. Should I buy a jumper that girls wear? What would that say about me? What, horror of horrors, would happen if I bumped into her again and we were wearing the same jumper?! Oh the shame.

I checked, yes I was in the men's department, although it was worringly close to the blouses. Why can't these stores have clear demarcation zones?. Anyway, 75% sure I had a genuine redblooded male article of clothing I went to the till. In a jocular, devil may care tone, I commented to the sales assistant that I hoped this was a mans jumper because I had seen a woman buying one.

"Oh yes sir, it is a mans jumper. No need to worry, and anyway she had smaller breasts than you. Would Sir like to take a look at our winter collection of daringly low cut blouses, just in today" she said.

"No Sir bloody well wouldn't" I said in my most hetrosexual voice. I paid and left tout suite. Damn my moobs!.

What is the world coming to. I love this jumper but I will never be able to wear it out now for the fear I will bump into women wearing the same jumper and be branded as a cross dresser. Anyway, it has given added impetus to my diet, and I think I am going to start pumping iron to firm up the old clevage and shop in exclusively, 100% no chicks allowed, chap shops from now on.

Anyway, I have now selected the cabbage soup diet. There are warnings about possible turbulence when you are on this diet but in for a penny, lose many pounds. Will keep you posted.