Cabbage Soup Diet Report Day 2

SITUATION REPORT DAY 2

Weight Loss- approx 1 kg, I kid you not!

Weather Conditions- Stong Winds with Heavy Dumps of Snow Overnight

Bodily Reaction to Diet- Almost the same as above

Physical Appearance- An extra from Bridge on the River Kwai

Mental State- easily distracted, inability to concentrate (reads like one of my old school reports)

Comments made about me looking super slim- None


Well the good news is I have lost 1 kg in one day, amazing!. The bad news is I am so weak I am typing this with my nose, slumped at the keyboard without the strength to lift my arms. I have just found out that if I lick the keyboard it tastes good. Must be bits of food I have dropped between the keypad in the good old days.


It has snowed heavily overnight and the daughter skipped off to school through the heavy snow. Seeing her all togged up in powder blue ski gear gave me an idea. If I dress totally in black today I will stand out against the winter wonderland background and maybe people will notice that I have lost weight and make flattering comments. Surely someone will notice.

Anyway, this morning I had to go to the supermarket on another hoisery run for the wife, one of my favourite jobs. All was going well, I was alone in the aisle about to grab the tights when I heard a voice calling my name. I looked around and it was my dear friend Charlotte the beer monster pushing her new baby. At almost the same time I felt a powerful stiring downdoors and knew that there would be an unavoidable and immenent cabbage fueled eruption.

Charlotte was upon me in seconds, she can move surprisingly quickly for a big girl, giving me the obligatory Swiss style three air kisses. After kiss number one I couldn't prevent venting and by kiss two a noxious cloud enveloped us. The mix of fermented cabbage and assorted legumes is a heady mix I can tell you.

Infact, this random vulcanicity and failing eyesight are the two main drawbacks to this diet that I have encountered so far. But I have to keep going because as Kate says, "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels". I do hope she is right cos I could murder a kebab right now.

Top Tip When On Cabbage Soup Diet- Avoid confined public spaces for the duration.

Anyway, back to the supermarket. I had to think fast as Charlotte was beginning to choke and turn puse. It came to me in a flash. I stepped back and bent over her baby buggy. "Oh isn't he cute (not true, he is a ugly little spud but needs must), but, oh dear, I think SOMEONE (eyes swivelling and slight nodding of the head back to the baby as I spoke to reinforce the point, whilst to the mother I appeared to be treating her bundle of joy as an actual sentinent being rather than the dull, drooling tub of lard he actually is. My emotional intelligence development is really coming on) really needs a nappy change" I added my best grimmace for effect.

New mothers are so gullible. Charlotte immediately started to apologise and made a swift exit. I do feel a bit sorry for framing the little chap but that's life and he had better get used to it.

I think I need to lie down now as I am feeling faint. Check in tomorrow.