Bonfire Night

Every year at his time we throw open our doors to the locals who then feel obliged to regift cheap bottles of wine, grind mud into the carpets and up the walls, break priceless family heirlooms, leave half eaten toffee apples wedged into the ipod dock and leave the garden looking like the Somme, obviously without the bodies, although there is a strange smell coming from under the gooseberry bush, must check that out.

Yes, it was our 5th Bonfire Night party attended by the great and good of Sunnymountain Street. Notables from both the SSMM and Daughters attended and agreed some kind of truce, sealed by passing round a crack pipe of peace.

I had rented a pergola to give some protection to guests as the weather forecast promised prolonged heavy rain. Did it rain?. No it didn't. I have instructed my lawyers to sue the BBC weather department for the rental costs and emotional damages. I mean, I wouldn't care so much if they only did this forecasting lark as a hobby, but its their bloody job!

Anyway, I had planned a firework display. I got my neighbour to help. He was to light the smaller fireworks while I snuck off to a nearby hollow and prepared the finale, a crescendo of rockets. I really should have read the instructions. Rockets need to sit in a launcher of some kind and not be stuck in wet ground. I lit them, they fired but never left the ground. It was like being stuck on the set of Apocalypse Now. After treating the casualties people started to leave. I don't think some will ever come back. Fat Kath received an injury to her good eye (you'll remember she got a Jimmy Choo to the other eye during the Great Halloween Rumble with the Daughters) To be fair the injury wasnt caused directly by a firework but rather by English mustard. She was squirting some from an easy squeeze bottle on to her umpteenth hot dog when the explosions startled her, causing a reflex squeeze straight into the eye. I suppose she is now legally blind. The last I saw of her she was heading home, ricocheting off parked cars like an untethered barrage balloon. All in all I think it went very well.

Monday I was in the garden harvesting lavender to make potpourri. The girlification process is unstoppable.