Rumble on the Street

Oh it has all been happening on Sunnymountain Street. Last Saturday was Halloween and here in the compound we celebrated it with gusto. Hundreds of kids were bused in from goodness knows where, local Borstals I suspect, and swarmed from house to house leaving a trail of destruction and sweet wrappers in their wake.

The whole event is beautifully organised by the gang that control the northside, known as the Daughters of the American Revolution, or the Daughters for short. They are almost exclusively American moms who send their kids to the local private school. Every year the Daughters draw up a list of the houses that can be visited and woe betide anyone who tries their luck on a non listed house, the Swiss have automatic weapons at home and are easily spooked.

Anyway, there is always a bit of friction and a simmering rivalry between the SSMM and the Daughters because the Daughters refuse to mix with the SSMM (remember, they control the southside, do pay attention). As a result many of the southside houses cannot get onto the visiting list. Is that all clear, are you still with me?.

Well, on Saturday night the street was full of parked cars making it effectively a one lane road. About 8pm (according to police reports) two cars travelling in opposite directions tried to get through at the same time. Inevitably they met head on, each refused to yield. One was driven by a middle ranking Daughter, the other by an SSMM foot soldier. An argument ensued. Meanwhile traffic was backing up in both directions, horns started to blare.

Within minutes the SSMM lined one side of the street, the Daughters the other. Words were exchanged and the mood turned uglier than Fat Kath's children. In what smacked to me as the result of pre meditation, the SSMM produced handheld breast pumps and waved them in a provocative manner at the Daughters. The SSMM credo holds that mothers who express milk are not real women. The Daughters, again in what can only have been a pre arranged provocation, lifted their coats to show their cesarean scars and sculptured washboard like stomachs. A collective gasp went up from the SSMM ranks. The SSMM all simultaneoulsy sucked in their natural child birth stomachs. I found I was doing this aswell.

The SSMM hit back by burning a picture of Martha Stewart, the patron saint of the Daughters. After that it just kicked off. Fat Kath received a Jimmy Choo to the eye and several of the Daughters sustained nasty breast pump injuries. One woman was taken to hospital with stretch marks.

What an evening, can't wait for next year.