Ding Dong

I have been very busy today telling everyone how clever my daughter is and basking in the reflected glory. I think I may have alienated some more people. In between gloating, I took the daughter to the circus school, the garden centre and the swimming pool.

At the swimming pool I spotted three low ranking Daughters, J-Lo, Odd Molly and Charlotte Farringdon-Tubestation. J-Lo, I should add, is not world popular music sensation and purveyor of perfume Jennifer Lopez but rather Jocasta Longbottom from Peculiar, Missouri. I once toyed with the idea of adopting a similar street name until I realised mine would be I-We. It has unpleasant bed wetting overtones so I dropped the idea.

Odd Molly, as her name implies, is called Molly and Charlotte Farringdon-Tubestation is from Nu Joyz ( that is New Jersey to the rest of the English speaking world) and has an infamous bladder control problem after giving birth to seven children. Her very few close friends have learnt to approach her from up wind and breath orally.

Anyway, these three are absolute bottom feeders in the great pond that is Sunny Mountain Street so I fancied my chances of striking up a conversation and maybe making friends.

They were sitting deep in conversation as I strolled nonchalantly up to them, well as nonchalantly as is possible when wearing a pea green mankini. They did not notice me at first so I took the opportunity to eaves drop on their conversation to pickup some pointers. I couldn't hear very well but I did pick up the words "Hung on HBO and More4", "like a donkey", "male appendix". This was interesting, a programme about capital punishment, a subject I am able to debate at the drop of a hat, although what the donkey or a man's appendix had to do with it I could not fathom. Perhaps it was organ harvesting. Anyway, that was all I got before they noticed me.

"Yes" said J-Lo rather frostily. I said I couldn't help overhearing their conversation and that I was totally opposed to the death penalty and willing to get more concerned about illegal organ harvesting aswell. As I talked I had the uneasy feeling that I was being judged. Three pairs of eyes were almost imperceptibly slipping down my mankini. Well it was disorientating to say the least and I started to worry that I was showing something I shouldn't be showing. These mankinis are incredibly skimpy and I have been warned by the lifeguard before about accidental spillage. I lowered my head to check. At that point we were all looking at my downdoors. Phew, everything present and correct, ship shape and bristol fashion. When I looked up they were all gone. Only the faintest whiff of urine betrayed the fact that they had ever been there.

My interest was piqued so when I got home I decided to look up the series on the internet and got ready to set the HD recorder. Thank goodness I checked. Hung is not a documentary about capital punishment, oh no. I was shocked. Now I understand about the donkey, and it was appendage not appendix. Oh my goodness, I have just realised why they were looking where they were looking. I feel soiled and just a little curious to know what score I got.